Happy Thanksgiving

Hi Team,

I've started thinking about Thanksgiving already and usually when I think Thanksgiving, I think turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and lots of pie. Oh and football, and feeling so tired I go to bed at 8pm. But this year I feel compelled to take a minute out of my crazy life and not think about food or how many video games we're going to sell at work for a minute and actually be thankful.

I have a hard time putting into words what I am thankful for because it seems so trite and insignificant compared to how intensely I feel. I guess it can be summed up though. I am so grateful to be alive, to have people in my life who love and support me (yes that's you), be able to worry about insignificant stuff at work (ie. worrying about how many video games we're going to sell rather than worrying about whether I should cut off both boobs or just the cancerous one), and not have to struggle every day to get by. I wake up in the morning now and I am not in pain, I have a bed to sleep in, a job to make a living, a pretty fun work environment, a wonderful network of friends and family that loves me and supports me in any and every way possible despite great distance. I totalled up only part of my healthcare costs (the chemo treatment and drugs, blood work, etc, nevermind surgeries or hospitalizations) and just that part would have been more than $380k without health insurance. I am incredibly grateful for my good doctors and health insurance to be able to afford the treatment I got. I don't know how I got to be so lucky.

There is a lot more I want in life - I want to travel the world and see more new cultures and beautiful places. This helps me be reminded that there is more to life than just the little wheel I run in every day, and that in the grand scheme of things, the little stuff just doesn't matter. I want to have a family and a supportive man in my life. I have to just have faith that with some trial and error, as long as I keep learning from my experiences, this will happen and the right person will come along. And if they don't, I will still be able to find happiness. I am very fortunate for my job, but I want to be compensated for something I truely feel passionate about. But I have to be patient, learning from the job I have and making sure that I take opportunities as they come up and follow my intuition.

Anyone else want to chime in with what they are thankful for this year?

Best,
Amy

A New Normal

Hi Team,

I haven't posted for a while because - great news - there really hasn't been any news! I keep saying to my friends that I just want my life to be boring for a while. I have had too much drama, too many hard times this year, I just want to laugh, enjoy myself, and protect myself from any more negativity at least until next year. Of course nobody ever wishes hard times on themselves, but I have reached my cap for this year, so it's official - for the rest of the year my life is going to be boring, drama-free and happy.

In that vein, for the last two weeks, my life has pretty much consisted of waking up around 7am for work, having a cup of coffee and a shower, some oatmeal or cereal - going to work around 8:30 until around 5:30 (and getting out of work always by 6pm at the latest), then either coming home and watching a few hours of tv or going to the gym or going to the therapist, and going to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It's been tiring even with that little routine since going back to work has taken a lot of energy - but it's been wonderful. It has been a lot more alone time than I'm used to, but I've realized that more alone time doesn't mean that my friends aren't there for me just as much as they always have been. It has been a concerted effort to make sure I manage my energy, and don't over-plan my life. I'm sure I'll go back to a fairly busy schedule, but for now it's been perfect.

That said, I did make a quick trip down to LA for this past weekend to visit with my family friend Polly and see all the Orange County/LA friends whom I haven't seen is ages. Way too long! They've had beautiful babies and exciting stories and they showed me so much love and welcoming that I was once again overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and gratitude for my life and the people in my life. It makes me well up with tears just thinking about it again. I truly am very fortunate in so many respects. Here are a few pics of my adventures this weekend, to share with you all. Pic to the right/above is at the peak of our hike in Runyon Canyon, above LA and in the distance, Century city. It was a really beautiful day. Below, Polly and me trying on sunglasses on the Universal Citywalk, and a few pics from brunch at my friend Sarah's house.

I have been fairly public with my journey and what I've been going through but for the first time at work this week, someone whom I had worked with but hadn't seen for a while caught me in the elevator and said "Oh you cut your hair! It looks so good but I almost didn't recognize you! When did you do that?"

In my mind: "Oh you didn't hear I had cancer? Almost the whole company knows."

One more time in my mind: "Oh it fell out with my chemo but Thanks anyway"

Last time with my internal monologue: "I know, I hardly recognize me on the inside too after what I've been through

I finally just landed on saying "Thank you, it was a few months ago" and leaving it at that. It was a 30 second elevator ride and I really didn't need to ruin his day. We can save that story for another time if he really wants to know. I did feel wonderful though that my hair is now at a place where people don't automatically assume I'm sick.

Otherwise on the health front I've been doing well aside from just being tired a lot. I still get Herceptin as an IV treatment every 3 weeks (until April), I get more saline in my tissue expanders every 3-4 weeks (until about next April), I am going to therapy, have to get a Muga-scan to measure my heart function every 3 months and am on tamoxifen (which blocks estrogen) for the next 5 years. So although everyone assumes I'm "better," to me it still feels like a lot. And it will for a while.

I've also noticed that now that my life is more settled, and my body and mind are finally relaxing from being in survival mode, more of the emotional trauma has started to come out. Little stuff sets me off and it's unnerving because I used to be able to hold it in and I just can't anymore. Just the other day I was at the gym, had finished some cardio and picked an empty group exercise room to do some stretches in. It was quiet and dark and I had my iphone playing slower music while I stretched off Pandora. I had never heard it before, but Tracy Chapman's song "Change" came on, and I just broke down bawling in the middle of the room by myself. Oddly, I felt incredible relief, so I'm just going to let it keep coming as long as it needs to.

Love,

Amy