Long time no talk. I came back last week from a wonderful, restorative 2 and a half weeks in Kona at home. Amazing what the slow pace, sun and family do to restore my sense of me and feeling comfortable in my body again. It's interesting but I've found that it's easier to bring my mind back into my body at home.
Basically to recap, I went to the beach every day, had lots of fun hanging out with family and caught up with some long lost friends. I read a lot, and practiced meditating - it's a work in progress. Progress helped by the book my therapist recommended to me - Full Catastrophe Living (by John Kabat-Zinn). I am practicing making my mind still, bringing myself back into my present moment and not focusing so much on reliving my past, or worrying about my hypothetical future, but just being in my current moment. It's surprisingly hard.
My birthday came and went with some celebration, but mostly on my part, with happiness that it's over. I realize it's just the next day in a series of days, but it feels to me like a chapter (which I was looking forward to the end of) is over. It's still not easy, but every day I get further away from my diagnosis, further from the freshness of the memory of what it's like to be going through chemo, further from the realization that I was getting my boobs cut off, and further from that feeling of not recognizing myself. Every day I get more aquainted with my new self, what I look like now, even though still a work in progress. I don't look so sick to myself when I look in the mirror, and it's easier to smile genuinely. There was a point in time when I remembered who I was before I went through chemo.
It's hard to remember that I had a life, was happy and knew myself and what I stood for. I got so distracted with doing what I needed to do to save my life, that once I didn't have to do it anymore, I didn't know what to do with myself. Like a deer in headlights, still frozen in the middle of the road, not knowing what to do next. In my journal on my way home to Hawaii I decided to start chronicling my year, to put it down on paper and start letting go of it. I started to write about my diagnosis in April and realized, wait, that is not the beginning of the year. So I went back to Jan/Feb and realized what an amazing year I had also. I got to travel to 3 new countries, experience new cultures and do some really amazing things. Then I got to thinking about who I was then - what were the things that I stood for and held true to myself. I was self-confident and happy, loved myself and held my rule of #1 treating others with compassion and acceptance and #2 to leave no rock unturned, life is short, so live it. I knew that even before I was diagnosed, and I wasn't afraid to go out and do it. My cancer diagnosis made me more afraid. I know none of us are going to get out of here alive, but my self-confidence must have been stored in my breasts or went out along with my white blood cells during chemo. But - the great thing is, I am still that person. I just forgot about it in my all-consuming fight for my life. I actually really like who I am and how I approach life. I forgot about all that when I didn't have the chance to think about it.
So, to get to the subject of my post - my new year's resolution. Is to be me. Exactly who I am today, in this moment. It's mostly the same person I have been, with a few improvements, and a slightly altered world view, but still not taking life for granted, and treating as many people as I can with love and acceptance.
Also - an updated picture so you all can see my progress on the hair-growing front - slowly but surely it comes back!
Happy New Year!
Amy
