No News is Good News

Hi Team,

The last post I made was almost exactly 6 months ago, just a few days after my exchange surgery.  I was feeling down and irritated at a whole slew of things, mostly my once again new breasts not being as big and perky as they had been when I just had the tissue expanders.  My intention was to check back in and provide the cheery update that I had just overreacted and things were just fine, and clearly that hasn't happened yet - I'm not upset about them anymore, but still not thrilled.  From the beginning of finding out that I would have to somehow cut up my boobs, I immediately thought positively, that I was excited to be able to get brand new ones and get what I wanted.  Monika actually said to me at one point, "Amy, you didn't have to get breast cancer just to get a boob job" to which I responded "I did if I wanted to get it covered by insurance!"

In Vegas recently, surprised I
actually did have some cleavage :-D 

That said, over the last 6 months a few things about this whole process became a lot more clear in my mind.  The first thing is that it's really f-ing hard.  Breasts are highly correlated with a woman's femininity and sexuality.  They are right out there on the front of your body for everyone to see.  Nobody's body is perfect and nobody has exactly the boobs they want (with or without surgery), but generally these things develop over time and we have our awkward teenage years to get used to it.  With a mastectomy and reconstruction, you go into surgery and 4 hours later you wake up with an entirely new physical definition of your body, femininity and sexuality and it's a bit of a mental shock to have to adjust.  Sometimes they are stripped of you entirely, and you feel like everyone can tell, and you yourself are shocked and not sure how to emotionally protect yourself, your self-assurance stripped along with your breasts.  Then you have to do it a second time when you have your exchange surgery.  I really don't think it's possible to prepare yourself for what that is like.  No set of expectations would be the right ones - everybody has a different experience and different people are super happy with the outcome, or not, and outcomes vary.  I try to think about how I might have handled the situation better or differently and honestly I don't think I could have.  You make the best decision you can in the moment that you make it.  And in the grand scheme of things, I do have one of the better possible outcomes.  I am cancer free and I have reconstruction.  Some people's bodies just entirely reject implants and/or tissue expanders.  Some breast cancer survivors have been so radiated that their skin won't stretch to handle reconstruction.  I feel grateful for my outcome - but it still doesn't take away the feeling of fighting for my femininity and no being disappointed that after all the shit I had to go through, I didn't get the reward of beautiful perfect boobs.  It is what it is, and I just have to remind myself not to get too selfish.

My overall health has been great lately, for which I am incredibly thankful.  Life has been good, and I have a hard time believing it was really 2 whole years ago that I was going through chemo.  How time flies when things are good.

It's really easy to reflect on your life when things are crappy - sometimes you need to pout and it's definitely good to vent to friends or whoever, just let it out.  But when things are good, don't forget to recognize and savor the moment!  I recently have been reflecting on how happy I am right now overall.  I have an awesome job, wonderful friends and a loving supportive family.  Nobody I love has died recently and there haven't been any major catastrophes lately.  There is always that damn nagging in the back of my mind that whispers to me "enjoy it because those hard times will come back around!  This won't last forever!"  And it's true, but I really do try to take the time as much as possible, even if it's just a minute on my commute to work to stop, just be in my present moment and appreciate.  A video in closing to share with you my fun escapades lately - Took a trip to Bali with some friends and this was a monkey getting really friendly... 

Love, 

Amy