Hi All,
Tonight is my "Help me say Ta-ta to my Ta Ta's" party! I'm really excited for multiple reasons - 1. It's fun to have a boob-themed party, and when else do you get the excuse to do that! 2. I get to see a lot of people that I haven't seen for a really long time, I feel like I have a major friend-reunion coming up! and 3. When I started scheduling this party, I made it something to look forward to because it marked the end of my chemo. Now I understand that my last chemo was a while ago, but I used to get chemo every 3 weeks - this party marks the end of my last 3 week cycle, and I will not be getting any more!
Physically I've been feeling pretty good lately, well enough to go to Chicago for my good friend Becky's wedding. The wedding was beautiful, and I saw a lot of good college friends, some of whom I haven't seen for 5 or 6 years. It was amazing to see all of them, but at the beginning I had a little bit of a weird self-conscious, hmm I wonder if all of these people are shocked by seeing me bald, I'm sure they don't all know what I've been going through. Oh well, just another one of those things that could be an uncomfortable situation but you just have to plow through, smile and eventually get past it. I got comfortable in my skin pretty quickly and had a great time dancing and having fun.
There are definitely still some lingering side effects of the chemo that won't go away anytime soon - I have a strong numbness/tingly feeling in the tips of my fingers and toes, it makes it a little hard to type, I make a lot more mistakes than I used to because I can't feel if I'm right on the key or to the edge of it. My fingernails are still turning purple and look like they are going to fall off, although they may just grow out and not fall off entirely, can't really tell yet. I've been trying to keep them painted so you can't see it too much. I had a glass of wine last night and woke up feeling a little headachey and dehydrated, so although I can drink from time to time I need to not just let it all go crazy now, or I am going to be hurting. And, I can't wait until my hair starts growing in... I still have weird chemo-fuzz that looks like baby hair on the top of my head, barely visible. I have heard that when it actually starts growing in, it will look more like real hair although may be curlier than pre-chemo. We'll see! Should be about another month or so before it starts growing in probably.
Thank you all for keeping me going with reading my posts and following my journey through chemo with me. I can't tell you how much it means to me that people want to know what I'm going through. Even though it's hard to explain, it does help that there are people to tell. It makes me face the facts and be real even when real is really hard to face. I am definitely ready to let chemo be a memory that will probably be blocked out fairly quickly as many really difficult memories are. I'm sure I'll never forget entirely, but the really bad physical feelings will fade and higher energy will bring back somewhat of a normal life, it has already started to. It has made me much more conscious also of how much energy levels affect your ability to be happy and emotionally cope, and I think something I will take away from this (among many things) will be a renewed effort and importance on managing my energy levels to maximize my life even post-cancer.
I have a few weeks here in between chemo and my surgery - final surgery date is September 15th. I will try to post a few times, but I will get back to regular posting when my surgery is upcoming. I hope to see all of the local crowd tonight at Lush Lounge (Sutter & Polk) at 8pm.
Love,
Amy
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Crappy Week but a few fun Pics
Hi Team,
This week has not been so much fun, but that's typical for the week of my chemo. All I have to say is I am very glad that God made percocet. Despite it's unpleasant digestive side effects.
The Happiness Project book was good for the first few chapters, but I got a little bored of it about halfway through because she continually sites all these "experts" on happiness about studies that have been done and statistics that show how people get happy, etc. I was more interested in her personal journey, but got a little tired of all the studies and stats. I've switched now to a funnier book my friend Addie was laughing out loud to - "My Fair Lazy" by Jen Lancaster.
This week has not been so much fun, but that's typical for the week of my chemo. All I have to say is I am very glad that God made percocet. Despite it's unpleasant digestive side effects.
The Happiness Project book was good for the first few chapters, but I got a little bored of it about halfway through because she continually sites all these "experts" on happiness about studies that have been done and statistics that show how people get happy, etc. I was more interested in her personal journey, but got a little tired of all the studies and stats. I've switched now to a funnier book my friend Addie was laughing out loud to - "My Fair Lazy" by Jen Lancaster.
Posting a few pics that I had saved to share with you all - Addie and myself and mom went to a salsa dancing lesson the night before my last chemo. Then another pic of Anthony and I at my last chemo. I have my "get me the hell out of here and never bring me back" smile on - I guess as happy as you can be while getting infused with dangerous chemicals. We always joke w/ the chemo nurses because they finish putting these bags of chemicals directly into my jugular vein, then they remove them from the IV stand with gloves and carefully dispose of the bags in these secure BD sanitation "hazardous materials" bins. Yes make sure nobody touches those, they are dangerous, could kill someone!
Anthony and I at my last chemo:
Kinda blurry but Addie and I the night before my last chemo:
Love,
Amy
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
LAST ONE
Hi Team,
Short post because I'm really tired, but I just wanted to share with everyone that today was my last chemo!! Whoo!!!! I still have the after-effects to go through, so it doesn't quite feel "over" to me, but at least every time I feel crappy over the next few weeks, I can remind myself that this is the last time I will feel this way for a while.
Love,
Amy
Short post because I'm really tired, but I just wanted to share with everyone that today was my last chemo!! Whoo!!!! I still have the after-effects to go through, so it doesn't quite feel "over" to me, but at least every time I feel crappy over the next few weeks, I can remind myself that this is the last time I will feel this way for a while.
Love,
Amy
Monday, August 2, 2010
Happiness
Hi Team,
I've been contemplating lately buying an e-book reader, to help consolidate the library a little, and make it a little more portable. I generally (although not so much lately) am on the go quite a lot and I like the look of the e-readers, seems like an easy way to take a few books with you rather than having to choose one that may or may not fit my mood on any given day. That said, my friend Addie lent me her Kindle the other day to let me read a book on it and see if I thought it was easy to use, etc. This is all beside the point because I really just wanted to review the first chapter of the book I started - 'The Happiness Project.'
Now as a preface, I loved 'Eat, Pray, Love' and have tried, even BC (Before Cancer) to live my life in a no-regrets manner. That said, I still find myself on a somewhat regular basis feeling slightly irritated, not quite happy, feeling like there is just something missing and just generally like I could be living my life as a happier person. In the big picture, I am very happy with my accomplishments in life, I have already accomplished quite a few things that I consider to be on my 'Bucket List' and generally consider myself to be lucky in having a loving family, great, fun, supportive friends, a good job with a disposable income, and a steady roof over my head. I do a decent job (even BC) of checking in with myself to make sure that if I were to die tomorrow, that I would be happy with the way I have lived my life. All that said, on a daily basis, getting up and going to work or just living my daily life, there is definitely room for more consistent happiness.
That exact subject is what Gretchen Rubin tackles in 'The Happiness Project,' and with a slightly more realistic feeling than quitting your job and marriage and leaving the country for a year. Although that does sound somewhat appealing to me, I don't have the ability financially (or at this point health-wise) or even in my risk-taking sensibility to do something that dramatic. She takes on the subject of every-day happiness in a methodical, project-based, very left-brained manner, with the overarching intention of increasing her day-to-day happiness. Now, as I've only read the first chapter and a half, I don't have any big epiphanies from the book yet, but already I love the subject matter and stay tuned for my review on the rest of it.
I've often contemplated how short life is and how people generally tend to put their own happiness in other's hands. For example, my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner/cat/dog/etc doesn't make me happy; my job/lack of job/lack of income/etc doesn't make me happy; my city/small town/country/president/taxes/lack of resources/etc doesn't make me happy. I actually came to a realization a while ago, specifically my junior year in college, that it was up to me to make me happy and nobody else is going to do it for me, whether I like it or not. Having had this realization fairly early in life does not mean that I remember it on a daily basis however, and I still have quite some opportunity for it's application in my daily life. But, one interesting aspect that I have applied fairly frequently, and still believe, my friend Monika laughs when I tell her - that if you don't feel happy, sometimes you just have to smile at that girl in the mirror until she smiles back at you. If you smile, and act happy, even if it feels like you're faking it for a little while, you will eventually feel happy - because happiness is contagious! Of course there is more to it than that I'm sure, but you have to start somewhere...
Love,
Amy
I've been contemplating lately buying an e-book reader, to help consolidate the library a little, and make it a little more portable. I generally (although not so much lately) am on the go quite a lot and I like the look of the e-readers, seems like an easy way to take a few books with you rather than having to choose one that may or may not fit my mood on any given day. That said, my friend Addie lent me her Kindle the other day to let me read a book on it and see if I thought it was easy to use, etc. This is all beside the point because I really just wanted to review the first chapter of the book I started - 'The Happiness Project.'
Now as a preface, I loved 'Eat, Pray, Love' and have tried, even BC (Before Cancer) to live my life in a no-regrets manner. That said, I still find myself on a somewhat regular basis feeling slightly irritated, not quite happy, feeling like there is just something missing and just generally like I could be living my life as a happier person. In the big picture, I am very happy with my accomplishments in life, I have already accomplished quite a few things that I consider to be on my 'Bucket List' and generally consider myself to be lucky in having a loving family, great, fun, supportive friends, a good job with a disposable income, and a steady roof over my head. I do a decent job (even BC) of checking in with myself to make sure that if I were to die tomorrow, that I would be happy with the way I have lived my life. All that said, on a daily basis, getting up and going to work or just living my daily life, there is definitely room for more consistent happiness.
That exact subject is what Gretchen Rubin tackles in 'The Happiness Project,' and with a slightly more realistic feeling than quitting your job and marriage and leaving the country for a year. Although that does sound somewhat appealing to me, I don't have the ability financially (or at this point health-wise) or even in my risk-taking sensibility to do something that dramatic. She takes on the subject of every-day happiness in a methodical, project-based, very left-brained manner, with the overarching intention of increasing her day-to-day happiness. Now, as I've only read the first chapter and a half, I don't have any big epiphanies from the book yet, but already I love the subject matter and stay tuned for my review on the rest of it.
I've often contemplated how short life is and how people generally tend to put their own happiness in other's hands. For example, my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/partner/cat/dog/etc doesn't make me happy; my job/lack of job/lack of income/etc doesn't make me happy; my city/small town/country/president/taxes/lack of resources/etc doesn't make me happy. I actually came to a realization a while ago, specifically my junior year in college, that it was up to me to make me happy and nobody else is going to do it for me, whether I like it or not. Having had this realization fairly early in life does not mean that I remember it on a daily basis however, and I still have quite some opportunity for it's application in my daily life. But, one interesting aspect that I have applied fairly frequently, and still believe, my friend Monika laughs when I tell her - that if you don't feel happy, sometimes you just have to smile at that girl in the mirror until she smiles back at you. If you smile, and act happy, even if it feels like you're faking it for a little while, you will eventually feel happy - because happiness is contagious! Of course there is more to it than that I'm sure, but you have to start somewhere...
Love,
Amy
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