Fun and Morbidity

Hi Team -

I did like the idea of just ending this chapter of my life and 'riding off into the sunset' with my happy ending, but let's be honest.  You can't just decide a chapter is done and that's it.  There's so much more to tell!  So I decided to keep sharing. 

For the last few months I've been throwing myself into my new job, working hard and playing hard.  I love my new team and my new company (and I'm not just saying that because they might read this) although I do miss the people I used to work with, it has really done wonders for my mind to be in this new job.  I actually thought last year that maybe chemo had just killed a bunch of brain cells and I just didn't have the capacity to be as sharp as I was before... this new job has forced me to wake up, pay attention and learn something new. And, I'm doing it!  It feels great to have a mental accomplishment when I felt so dried up mentally for so long. It still takes me longer to think of people's names and brain farts come more often than they used to, but maybe I can just blame that on getting older.

 




 Back in October 2010, the month after my bilateral mastectomy, after my ex-boyfriend had just broken up with me, and I was still bald and feeling not very feminine or happy, I decided to book myself a trip to Costa Rica to have something to look forward to.  Well, in May, I went - to Costa Rica and Panama.  My mom went with me to Panama and 3 of my closest friends went with me to Costa Rica. 

Some highlights:
- 'Alitos de Bufalo' on a restaurant menu is not some fancy buffalo dish, but rather buffalo wings (ie. chicken)
- When teaching a first time surfer (me) how to stand up on a surf board, the high-pressure "GO! NOW!, Don't Wait When I say GO" does not actually work

- Apparently Panama has the world's best coffee, I did not hear about this growing up in Kona (also the world's best coffee)

- Marriage ritual for Kuna Indians:  The man goes running off hiding in the town and his friends find him and drag him kicking and screaming into the woman's house where they have the marriage ceremony and he then assimilates into her family.  How realistic of them. 

- Crabs are only cute when there are only a few of them on the porch, not hundreds covering the street when you are trying to walk home









Another experience on my recent trip made me very aware of a new world view I seem to be developing in a strong way.  It's slightly morbid, but in my opinion, realistic.  It doesn't depress me, but rather motivates me!  Mom and I were flying from Panama City to the San Blas Archeapelago and we got on a plane that had 8 seats at the most - Mom says "We all get window seats!"  It was a little plane and a bumpy ride, and I thought to myself, 'hmmm I wonder if this is how I die.'  Not in the scared way of 'ohmygod I'm going to die' but more like, well, I'm going to die at some point - it wasn't in 2010 from breast cancer, I wonder if it's in 2011 from a plane crash.  Well, it wasn't (so far).  I guess it's more the discovery of the concept that it is inevitable and could be at any time - we envision growing old with our families and eventually dying in a hospital bed with your children, grandchildren, etc all there holding your hand.  I don't think that's how it goes for most people.  My uncle died suddenly while scuba diving.  My best friend in college died suddenly in a car accident.  My great grandmother lived to be 102 (I think, I kind of lost track at one point) - A different uncle was telling me recently that his daughter is turning 30 and freaking out about it.   My immediate response, just popped out of my mouth before I could sensor it (although I don't think I would have anyway), was "She should be glad she made it that far." 

Anyway, my point is, you never know, but that can be a positive motivating thing.  I now get in my car and think almost every time, I am more likely to die in a car accident than of breast cancer.  It's oddly empowering to me to be able to think these things and not be afraid of them.  It allows me, for example, to not feel bad for opening a good bottle of wine just to have a glass by myself with dinner.  Or push myself until I feel like throwing up at my spin class - because why not.  Knowing that a beach is the #4 most shark infested beach in the world (Beach at Bolinas, thank you Dave for the jeapordy fact), does not make me want to get out of the water.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not reckless.  I went through chemo and fought for my life, I didn't do all that for nothing - I do highly value my time, but I am also weirdly/acutely aware that this time is limited.  I hope I keep that sense for a very long time.  I enjoy it. 

Love,

Amy