Just Another Day

Hi Team,

So tomorrow is really just another day.  But it's also a year to the day since my double mastectomy and, while we are marking milestones, 5 years to the day since I got engaged (and then broke it off 9 mos later).  I'm kind of thinking I might want to call in sick tomorrow and just stay in bed to make sure nothing exciting happens. 

I've been noticing on a regular basis lately how much I love my life.  I figure one of the benefits of having gone through really tough times is being able to truly appreciate the really good times and I'm definitely doing that.  It's amazing what a difference a year can make.  I do work a lot, but I also have a lot of fun.  I spend time with people I love and I smile a lot.  As much as possible. 

I have been venturing lately into the world of dating again.  I figure it's been over a year since my last relationship ended so I should probably at least put myself out there again.  And to my surprise, it's been fun and interesting.  I've mostly so far been doing a field test with online dating, I signed up for both ok cupid and eharmony just to juxtopose and compare the two.  I've been on a few dates but overall I've made the following observations:  1.  No matter how many I have, first dates will always make me nervous 2. There are more fishes in the sea than I originally thought, but you can't judge a fish by it's online dating profile  3.  There is no right time to tell a guy you are getting to know that you had cancer.   This is an interesting one.  I have yet to be... let's say, "intimate" with a guy that wasn't with me before my surgery.  At what point do you break into the conversation and say... "Oh Yeah, I've been to the hospital too, I had cancer and got my boobs cut off.  Oh yeah, these?  They're fake, yeah I don't have nipples anymore, just scars.  I know!  You can't tell from the outside".  No!  It's just not something that people can relate to at my age.

I realize it's probably all in my head and as soon as I stop making it a big deal, it will stop being this awkward thing I can't talk about with guys I am attracted to... but yeah I certainly haven't figured that one out.  I guess that's why I need practice! 

On the bright side, tomorrow I am starting a Mindfulness course.  In the brief couple of months that I was actually seeing a therapist last year, she introduced me to the concept of Mindfulness.  This is the practice of being present in your current moment and aware in your being, just observing with an open mind and soft heart.  It's a lot more difficult than we might think.  So often we get caught up in the incessant chatter of our stream of consciousness and don't stop to just be.  It takes practice.  So, for the next 8 weeks every Thursday night from 7-9pm I will be practicing.  Wish me luck!

Just for comparison sake and a reminder what a difference a year can make (if I didn't know I might not guess I was the same person... or am I... ):

Last Year - Aug. 2010

This Year - Aug. 2011

Love,
Amy