Hi Team,
Thought I would write a bit about my exchange surgery and the time since then.
The surgery itself was a breeze compared to my mastectomy. I was in and out in the same day, and I knew the routine. I made sure to ask for some anti-nausea meds and they gave me plenty of drugs for anxiety, pain, and to knock me out and not have me remember what happened. My mom said, an hour and a half after I went in, my surgeon came looking for her. She said "You're done already?!" he said "Nah, I just thought I'd come hang out with you." So yes, he finished quickly, said I did great, and I'm going to be so happy with the results. I walked out of the hospital. I definitely have some pain and exhaustion, but nothing like the pain and exhaustion after a mastectomy.
On to my emotional state... I wanted to write a post today just to remember how I'm feeling, because I know with time this will improve, but I don't want to give the illusion that it's all a breeze. Let's go back to the year 2002, Ten years ago. I was a senior in college and I had beautiful, nice long hair, and I decided to do something good, and donate it to locks of love, letting them cut off 10 inches. It felt good until I first looked in the mirror and felt horrified, ran crying to my friends and boyfriend and hid in my apartment for days. Now in retrospect, that was very silly, the hair didn't look all that bad (hey I HAD hair!) and with a week or two it grew back to looking like a cute pixie cut. Granted boobs don't grow back (at least not at my age), but I will adjust to how they look and feel, but today, I feel like that 21 year old sobbing and wanting to hide in my apartment.
My tissue expanders, while they were rock solid and didn't feel anything like boobs, looked big and perky and fun. Now only 3 days later, my soft boobs look flat and droopy. What happened?! I got silicone implants, so they are nice and soft and boob-feeling, but the are at least a full cup size looking smaller and just lower on my chest. I was sobbing this afternoon because I was so disappointed! My stream of consciousness immediately chastises me for feeling disappointed about boobs - a) I'm lucky to have any and b) I am still alive, what the hell am I doing complaining about boobs. But honestly, it's a really hard adjustment. I feel like my body is not mine, a LOT of people don't get the fact that I don't have a say in what they look like really. I can state an opinion but this is not an exact science, and really it's up to how my body reacts to stretching muscle and skin and holding scar tissue in place. I can't just order them from a catalogue and make sure I have a good return policy.
Anyway, I'm sure I'm being harder on myself than I need to be, and as we all do, I have this constant push and pull of logic and emotion. Today I'm just going to let the emotion win and be sad that I'm disappointed that they are not as perky and big as my tissue expanders were. Eventually over time I'll let my logic influence my emotion to feel better about it. But for now, this sucks and it's a really hard adjustment. Again.
Love,
Amy
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Surgery Update
Hey folks, this is Monika.
Amy is out of surgery. Report from mom is that doctors said everything went really well and they're hanging out in recovery now. She'll be sleeping at home tonight and will probably update you guys herself in the next couple of days when she has some energy.
From me, thanks so much to everyone who has offered so much love and support. In six weeks Amy will be able to start going back to all of her normal activities again, with more natural boobs, and knowing all this is behind her. On to better things :)
Amy is out of surgery. Report from mom is that doctors said everything went really well and they're hanging out in recovery now. She'll be sleeping at home tonight and will probably update you guys herself in the next couple of days when she has some energy.
From me, thanks so much to everyone who has offered so much love and support. In six weeks Amy will be able to start going back to all of her normal activities again, with more natural boobs, and knowing all this is behind her. On to better things :)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
New Year, New Boobs
Hi Team,
As I prepare myself for another surgery, I am reminded that although it feels like I've started a new chapter in my life, the chapter I've written about in this blog is still very much a part of me. 'Another Surgery?' you ask, Yes, let me explain.
Back in Sept. 2010, after I had just finished chemo, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Reconstruction after a mastectomy is very different than just getting a normal boob job. With normal breast augmentation, they will put the implant under the breast tissue, lifting it up and making it bigger. With a mastectomy, there is no more breast tissue, and it is too exposed to just put the implant underneath your skin. So, they put the implant under your pectoral muscle. They can't usually put a full breast-sized implant under the pectoral muscle because there isn't room for it. So, they put a temporary tissue expander in which they fill with a little more saline over the months, stretching out the muscle until you look like you have a regular-sized boob. Think about those 'pump it up' reebok shoes in the 80s. This 'boob' though, is made out of an industrial grade plastic that has a hard port (where they inject more saline). It may look normal with clothes on, but if you feel it or look at it underneath, it doesn't budge or feel a bit like a boob. So there is another surgery after you are all done with the expansion, where they open up your original incisions and take out the temporary tissue expanders, replacing them with more realistic boob-like implants.
That's the summary, and I'm having it done this upcoming Friday. I'll be under general anesthesia and the surgery is supposed to be 3-4 hours long, but no overnight stay in the hospital. I'm not supposed to do anything that will get me sweaty or extend my upper body for 6 weeks afterward.
I am kind of nervous about this surgery. Not because I'm afraid of the pain or waking up, recovery, etc. But because I have to say that emotionally, getting over the challenge of being bald, being dumped, getting boobs cut off and having to get them slowly rebuilt over time was really challenging, and thinking about going back for another surgery brings me back to that time pretty clearly. I was an emotional, hormonal ball of wreckage at the time, but that was a long time ago now. It's odd because anyone that I have just met that I tell I went through cancer treatment usually immediately thinks that I am a strong confident woman and since I kicked cancer's butt, I probably have this sense of full self-confidence. I wish I felt that way, and sometimes I do, but I feel like that is something that comes much more gradually over time. The process of getting used to my new body, dating and talking to people about what I've been through and how my body is different, is nerve wrecking at first. For a long time I was much more sensitive to people's reactions because I wasn't yet confident in my own skin. Especially when going on dates, there really is no good point in conversation with a new person to bring up, 'oh yeah, I had cancer, got my boobs cut off, don't have nipples now, but you know, I survived.' Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel like that experience is intimidating to most people my age, they can't relate to it, and it immediately may have the reaction of admiration, but also creates distance.
Anyway, dating aside, I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel as self conscious about my body, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I've started to get more comfortable in my (new) skin, and have the attitude that 'this is me', take it or leave it. And now I'm going to make another change, restart the adjustment and getting used to it all.
A good friend of mine made a great point though, that this is not like last time. I have all the experiences I've gone through since then, the surgery isn't as invasive and I've rebuilt a new and happy life since then. I know it will be fine and it's not the same, but it still brings me back to a time that was really not so happy, and makes me nervous about what will be the outcome. You never know - as my surgeon explained to me last Wednesday, the risk is ~ if there is any bacteria on the implant when they put it in, if it gets infected they have to take it out entirely for at least 6 months (meaning no reconstruction whatsoever) and then possibly restart. It's not a likely situation, but it's possible. I try not to think about that since there are always the 'what ifs' but I also try not to get any expectations of what I will look like in my head until after it's been successful.
So anyway, this post is getting a bit long so I'll leave you with that. I'll make sure to update everyone and post more later about life and the new year (which incidentally are going great).
Love,
Amy
As I prepare myself for another surgery, I am reminded that although it feels like I've started a new chapter in my life, the chapter I've written about in this blog is still very much a part of me. 'Another Surgery?' you ask, Yes, let me explain.
Back in Sept. 2010, after I had just finished chemo, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Reconstruction after a mastectomy is very different than just getting a normal boob job. With normal breast augmentation, they will put the implant under the breast tissue, lifting it up and making it bigger. With a mastectomy, there is no more breast tissue, and it is too exposed to just put the implant underneath your skin. So, they put the implant under your pectoral muscle. They can't usually put a full breast-sized implant under the pectoral muscle because there isn't room for it. So, they put a temporary tissue expander in which they fill with a little more saline over the months, stretching out the muscle until you look like you have a regular-sized boob. Think about those 'pump it up' reebok shoes in the 80s. This 'boob' though, is made out of an industrial grade plastic that has a hard port (where they inject more saline). It may look normal with clothes on, but if you feel it or look at it underneath, it doesn't budge or feel a bit like a boob. So there is another surgery after you are all done with the expansion, where they open up your original incisions and take out the temporary tissue expanders, replacing them with more realistic boob-like implants.
That's the summary, and I'm having it done this upcoming Friday. I'll be under general anesthesia and the surgery is supposed to be 3-4 hours long, but no overnight stay in the hospital. I'm not supposed to do anything that will get me sweaty or extend my upper body for 6 weeks afterward.
I am kind of nervous about this surgery. Not because I'm afraid of the pain or waking up, recovery, etc. But because I have to say that emotionally, getting over the challenge of being bald, being dumped, getting boobs cut off and having to get them slowly rebuilt over time was really challenging, and thinking about going back for another surgery brings me back to that time pretty clearly. I was an emotional, hormonal ball of wreckage at the time, but that was a long time ago now. It's odd because anyone that I have just met that I tell I went through cancer treatment usually immediately thinks that I am a strong confident woman and since I kicked cancer's butt, I probably have this sense of full self-confidence. I wish I felt that way, and sometimes I do, but I feel like that is something that comes much more gradually over time. The process of getting used to my new body, dating and talking to people about what I've been through and how my body is different, is nerve wrecking at first. For a long time I was much more sensitive to people's reactions because I wasn't yet confident in my own skin. Especially when going on dates, there really is no good point in conversation with a new person to bring up, 'oh yeah, I had cancer, got my boobs cut off, don't have nipples now, but you know, I survived.' Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel like that experience is intimidating to most people my age, they can't relate to it, and it immediately may have the reaction of admiration, but also creates distance.
Anyway, dating aside, I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel as self conscious about my body, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I've started to get more comfortable in my (new) skin, and have the attitude that 'this is me', take it or leave it. And now I'm going to make another change, restart the adjustment and getting used to it all.
A good friend of mine made a great point though, that this is not like last time. I have all the experiences I've gone through since then, the surgery isn't as invasive and I've rebuilt a new and happy life since then. I know it will be fine and it's not the same, but it still brings me back to a time that was really not so happy, and makes me nervous about what will be the outcome. You never know - as my surgeon explained to me last Wednesday, the risk is ~ if there is any bacteria on the implant when they put it in, if it gets infected they have to take it out entirely for at least 6 months (meaning no reconstruction whatsoever) and then possibly restart. It's not a likely situation, but it's possible. I try not to think about that since there are always the 'what ifs' but I also try not to get any expectations of what I will look like in my head until after it's been successful.
So anyway, this post is getting a bit long so I'll leave you with that. I'll make sure to update everyone and post more later about life and the new year (which incidentally are going great).
Love,
Amy
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