Hi Team,
As I prepare myself for another surgery, I am reminded that although it feels like I've started a new chapter in my life, the chapter I've written about in this blog is still very much a part of me. 'Another Surgery?' you ask, Yes, let me explain.
Back in Sept. 2010, after I had just finished chemo, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Reconstruction after a mastectomy is very different than just getting a normal boob job. With normal breast augmentation, they will put the implant under the breast tissue, lifting it up and making it bigger. With a mastectomy, there is no more breast tissue, and it is too exposed to just put the implant underneath your skin. So, they put the implant under your pectoral muscle. They can't usually put a full breast-sized implant under the pectoral muscle because there isn't room for it. So, they put a temporary tissue expander in which they fill with a little more saline over the months, stretching out the muscle until you look like you have a regular-sized boob. Think about those 'pump it up' reebok shoes in the 80s. This 'boob' though, is made out of an industrial grade plastic that has a hard port (where they inject more saline). It may look normal with clothes on, but if you feel it or look at it underneath, it doesn't budge or feel a bit like a boob. So there is another surgery after you are all done with the expansion, where they open up your original incisions and take out the temporary tissue expanders, replacing them with more realistic boob-like implants.
That's the summary, and I'm having it done this upcoming Friday. I'll be under general anesthesia and the surgery is supposed to be 3-4 hours long, but no overnight stay in the hospital. I'm not supposed to do anything that will get me sweaty or extend my upper body for 6 weeks afterward.
I am kind of nervous about this surgery. Not because I'm afraid of the pain or waking up, recovery, etc. But because I have to say that emotionally, getting over the challenge of being bald, being dumped, getting boobs cut off and having to get them slowly rebuilt over time was really challenging, and thinking about going back for another surgery brings me back to that time pretty clearly. I was an emotional, hormonal ball of wreckage at the time, but that was a long time ago now. It's odd because anyone that I have just met that I tell I went through cancer treatment usually immediately thinks that I am a strong confident woman and since I kicked cancer's butt, I probably have this sense of full self-confidence. I wish I felt that way, and sometimes I do, but I feel like that is something that comes much more gradually over time. The process of getting used to my new body, dating and talking to people about what I've been through and how my body is different, is nerve wrecking at first. For a long time I was much more sensitive to people's reactions because I wasn't yet confident in my own skin. Especially when going on dates, there really is no good point in conversation with a new person to bring up, 'oh yeah, I had cancer, got my boobs cut off, don't have nipples now, but you know, I survived.' Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel like that experience is intimidating to most people my age, they can't relate to it, and it immediately may have the reaction of admiration, but also creates distance.
Anyway, dating aside, I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel as self conscious about my body, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I've started to get more comfortable in my (new) skin, and have the attitude that 'this is me', take it or leave it. And now I'm going to make another change, restart the adjustment and getting used to it all.
A good friend of mine made a great point though, that this is not like last time. I have all the experiences I've gone through since then, the surgery isn't as invasive and I've rebuilt a new and happy life since then. I know it will be fine and it's not the same, but it still brings me back to a time that was really not so happy, and makes me nervous about what will be the outcome. You never know - as my surgeon explained to me last Wednesday, the risk is ~ if there is any bacteria on the implant when they put it in, if it gets infected they have to take it out entirely for at least 6 months (meaning no reconstruction whatsoever) and then possibly restart. It's not a likely situation, but it's possible. I try not to think about that since there are always the 'what ifs' but I also try not to get any expectations of what I will look like in my head until after it's been successful.
So anyway, this post is getting a bit long so I'll leave you with that. I'll make sure to update everyone and post more later about life and the new year (which incidentally are going great).
Love,
Amy
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