Graduation and Nipples

Hi Team,

Thought I would share a funny dr. appointment I had last week.  I had my annual checkup w/ Dr. Langer at Kaiser (my breast surgeon).  She did an exam for me, asked me some questions about how I've been feeling and declared me graduated!  Yay!  That means that I will still go to see my oncologist for checkups (until I hit the 5 year mark) but I've been doing well enough that she doesn't also need to see me anymore.

Separately she was looking at my boobs, the reconstruction and said, hmmm they look great - but you need some nipples on there.  (right now they are nipple-less, only scars across the front)  "Why haven't you gotten nipples yet?"  Of course I didn't have a good answer for this question other than 'uhhh I dunno too lazy'?  But I said, yes I do think I want to get some, just to make me look somewhat a little more normal when I'm naked.  (With all the positivity that someone else will be seeing me naked).  So she brought the plastic surgeon, Dr. Simonds in the office to discuss nipples.

Both Dr. Langer and Dr. Simonds stand there to discuss nipples with me, while I am sitting on the doctors table with no shirt on.  Dr. Simonds explained that it is a procedure done in the hospital, but not under general anesthesia, just conscious sedation.  I said, 'Oh, versed is the drug they use for that right?'  To which he gave me a 'hmmm are you an addict' weird face.  Oh well :)  So then Dr. Simonds explained to me the choices - he can just cut two flaps of skin and fold them over each other to make a nipple-like protrusion and then tattoo some color on for an areola.  He doesn't seem to like this because he said the nipple flaps of skin have a tendency to go flat after a year or two, then you have to do it again and/or what is the point.  Apparently they have a new thing, where they have a piece of material they can put in there, it is actual flesh material from a pig, about the size and shape of a pellet of rabbit food.  They put that in so the skin can scar around it, and it is more sturdy to hold up over time, but still feels and looks like real flesh.  Then of course still tattoo an areola on around that.

I after a slightly awkward pause of contemplation, I asked Dr. Simonds "Hmm Pig nipples huh?" and he says, "I really do think they look better and will definitely stand up the test of time."  I said, "Well, how big are these implants?  I don't want to look like I have headlights on all the time."  Dr. Simonds says, "Well, you'll be able to cover them up with a bra, but probably not with a wet t-shirt."  At which point, Dr. Langer, who has just been sitting quietly contemplating the conversation bursts out laughing and turns bright red.  Now mind you, she is a breast specialist surgeon.  She has dealt with many many cases and deals only with breasts, all day long.  She says "You're making me blush!"  Haha success!

Anyway, I decided to go with the implants, probably won't do the surgery until later this year with scheduling, etc.  Another small step towards a more normal life/body~

Love,
Amy

The Bucket List - Another one Bites the Dust

Hi Team,

Last Tuesday night I went to visit a friend that is going through a hard time right now.  I was talking to him about what I went through, relating on a few points of difficulty and comparing war stories.  One thing that came up is how difficult it is to keep mental sanity through a really hard time.  There is no straightforward or foolproof way.  Everyone has their own approach and some (myself included at times) feel like there is no good answer.  So, we were comparing notes on techniques that worked/didn't work.  One thing I did other than keeping this blog, was to write a list of things I wanted to do when I felt well enough to do them.  It was partially that I needed something to look forward to and partially just wanting to not forget about things I really want to do once life gets easier.  It's easy to just breeze through life and not make conscious decisions about how we spend our time.  That said, a bucket list is one of those ever changing 'works in progress.'  Before I get to sharing the bucket list item I got to check off my list this week, I wanted to add that it occurred to me before making a bucket list that maybe I shouldn't.  I might have regrets if I don't get to do everything on the list before I actually do die (you never know when that will be, cancer or not).  Well, I made one anyway and discovered that in reality, every time I check something off the list, I add another thing or two (or three).  This list will never be completed.  And I decided that is a really good thing - what would you do if you did finish your bucket list?  Just be done?  'Aaand, done! I win! Now what?'  Maybe a very good thing to die (eventually) with a long bucket list full of things you have checked off and added.  

Hiking Navajo Loop at Bryce Canyon

So, one of the things I added to my bucket list a few years ago was to go see Utah red canyons.  First, I'll be honest and tell you that it started by my watching the movie 127 hours - a guy goes hiking in Utah canyons and gets stuck, has to saw his own arm off to escape.  Now, I was not trying to recreate that by any means, but the landscape depicted in that movie made me interested enough to go watch another documentary on the area and add "visit Utah canyons" to my bucket list.

This past weekend, Monika and I drove 14 hours each way (more with stops, etc) to Bryce Canyon National Park and Zion Canyon.  It was beautiful and crazy, like nothing I've ever seen before.  We camped and hiked and got to see amazing rock formations and have fun adventures through mining towns and Saturday night speedway home-made stock car races.  It was truly beautiful and worth every minute, highly recommend.  My favorite hike (actually two favorites) was the 'Navajo Loop' at Bryce, which took you from the top of the canyon down to the bottom and through some massive rock formations (only about 1.5 miles but some steep climbs).  Second favorite hike of the weekend was the Canyon Overlook Trail at Zion National Park.  It's crazy how Zion and Bryce are about an hour and a half driving away from each other but the rock and formations are so totally different and both stunning.  The Zion Canyon overlook hike was also a little over a mile, but up to the top of the Canyon where you can see a few different mountains and rock formations in the distance.  The view really looked like a green screen backdrop to a movie - surreal.  If I hadn't actually been there myself I totally would have thought my pics were photoshopped (they are not).

The world is so beautiful! - Zion Canyon Overlook

Overall, this felt like a big win - doing something that while I was at my low point, I wrote down as something to look forward to doing when I was able physically and mentally.  Life is good, and even when it's really really crappy, there are things to look forward to - even if they take a while, it's so worth it.

Love,
Amy