Fast Forward, A Year Later

Hi Team,

Wow has it really been a year since my last post?  Why is it that time goes so fast when things are good and so incredibly slow when times are hard?

Anyhow, I am grateful that times have been fantastic over the last year.  Isn't life amazing how quickly it's possible to forget pain?  Today I found a New York Times "Share your Breast Cancer" story submission form, visited my blog to find a few snippets to share on that post, and realized that it's about time I update this with all the good stuff that's been going on in my life.

Since last year this time, I have bought a house and moved out of the city of San Francisco into the warm and sunny Berkeley.  It was a risk, but the right decision financially, and I can say almost exactly a year from moving here, that I am extremely happy with my decision.  Life is a bit slower, but I was at a point where I had been craving that anyway.

For a long time after my cancer treatment I struggled with the idea of dating.  I had been through so much shit that I just didn't want to put myself out there in a very real and vulnerable way anymore.  At the same time, I craved the companionship and intimacy of a man.  I didn't know how to get to know someone.  At what point does cancer come up in a conversation?  In reality, it doesn't.  There is never a good time to bring it up... but I guarantee you by the time you get naked, you had better have said something or else there are going to be some big surprises!  So I just avoided it, doing a few awkward online dates from time to time that didn't really amount to much.  Then, on my road trip to Utah, I randomly met Nico in a bar that ended up being someone that didn't take any work to get to know.  He is sweet, and raw and real and read my entire blog start to finish the month I met him.  He sees me for who I am, and although neither of us is perfect, we both see the big picture and love each other very much.  I couldn't feel luckier.

I got a dog for the first time in my life, now that I have a backyard and a partner in crime to help me take care of him.  He's a cute, sweet little 90lb mastiff/pitbull rescue from the Berkeley humane society.  I made the decision on a bit of a whim not realizing how much work I was signing myself up for, but it certainly is rewarding also.  

I quit my fancy job at Google and joined a startup tech company. It's been a wild ride, and was definitely a risky decision, but one of those decisions where you just have to find out what happens, and know you'll regret it if you never do.  So I did it.  So far so good.

Also, on the health side, things are great.  I finally got myself some nipples this past January, although I still haven't tattooed on an areola, I am slightly more normal looking.  I think eventually I'll finish them off since I've gotten this far, although I don't really worry about it as much anymore since I know Nico likes them.  But, just for myself, as a reward for what I've worked toward, I still think it would be good to do.

A few pictures as well - the hair is normal length now, almost as if nothing had happened, except we all know that you can never quite be the same :)

Love,
Amy

Graduation and Nipples

Hi Team,

Thought I would share a funny dr. appointment I had last week.  I had my annual checkup w/ Dr. Langer at Kaiser (my breast surgeon).  She did an exam for me, asked me some questions about how I've been feeling and declared me graduated!  Yay!  That means that I will still go to see my oncologist for checkups (until I hit the 5 year mark) but I've been doing well enough that she doesn't also need to see me anymore.

Separately she was looking at my boobs, the reconstruction and said, hmmm they look great - but you need some nipples on there.  (right now they are nipple-less, only scars across the front)  "Why haven't you gotten nipples yet?"  Of course I didn't have a good answer for this question other than 'uhhh I dunno too lazy'?  But I said, yes I do think I want to get some, just to make me look somewhat a little more normal when I'm naked.  (With all the positivity that someone else will be seeing me naked).  So she brought the plastic surgeon, Dr. Simonds in the office to discuss nipples.

Both Dr. Langer and Dr. Simonds stand there to discuss nipples with me, while I am sitting on the doctors table with no shirt on.  Dr. Simonds explained that it is a procedure done in the hospital, but not under general anesthesia, just conscious sedation.  I said, 'Oh, versed is the drug they use for that right?'  To which he gave me a 'hmmm are you an addict' weird face.  Oh well :)  So then Dr. Simonds explained to me the choices - he can just cut two flaps of skin and fold them over each other to make a nipple-like protrusion and then tattoo some color on for an areola.  He doesn't seem to like this because he said the nipple flaps of skin have a tendency to go flat after a year or two, then you have to do it again and/or what is the point.  Apparently they have a new thing, where they have a piece of material they can put in there, it is actual flesh material from a pig, about the size and shape of a pellet of rabbit food.  They put that in so the skin can scar around it, and it is more sturdy to hold up over time, but still feels and looks like real flesh.  Then of course still tattoo an areola on around that.

I after a slightly awkward pause of contemplation, I asked Dr. Simonds "Hmm Pig nipples huh?" and he says, "I really do think they look better and will definitely stand up the test of time."  I said, "Well, how big are these implants?  I don't want to look like I have headlights on all the time."  Dr. Simonds says, "Well, you'll be able to cover them up with a bra, but probably not with a wet t-shirt."  At which point, Dr. Langer, who has just been sitting quietly contemplating the conversation bursts out laughing and turns bright red.  Now mind you, she is a breast specialist surgeon.  She has dealt with many many cases and deals only with breasts, all day long.  She says "You're making me blush!"  Haha success!

Anyway, I decided to go with the implants, probably won't do the surgery until later this year with scheduling, etc.  Another small step towards a more normal life/body~

Love,
Amy

The Bucket List - Another one Bites the Dust

Hi Team,

Last Tuesday night I went to visit a friend that is going through a hard time right now.  I was talking to him about what I went through, relating on a few points of difficulty and comparing war stories.  One thing that came up is how difficult it is to keep mental sanity through a really hard time.  There is no straightforward or foolproof way.  Everyone has their own approach and some (myself included at times) feel like there is no good answer.  So, we were comparing notes on techniques that worked/didn't work.  One thing I did other than keeping this blog, was to write a list of things I wanted to do when I felt well enough to do them.  It was partially that I needed something to look forward to and partially just wanting to not forget about things I really want to do once life gets easier.  It's easy to just breeze through life and not make conscious decisions about how we spend our time.  That said, a bucket list is one of those ever changing 'works in progress.'  Before I get to sharing the bucket list item I got to check off my list this week, I wanted to add that it occurred to me before making a bucket list that maybe I shouldn't.  I might have regrets if I don't get to do everything on the list before I actually do die (you never know when that will be, cancer or not).  Well, I made one anyway and discovered that in reality, every time I check something off the list, I add another thing or two (or three).  This list will never be completed.  And I decided that is a really good thing - what would you do if you did finish your bucket list?  Just be done?  'Aaand, done! I win! Now what?'  Maybe a very good thing to die (eventually) with a long bucket list full of things you have checked off and added.  

Hiking Navajo Loop at Bryce Canyon

So, one of the things I added to my bucket list a few years ago was to go see Utah red canyons.  First, I'll be honest and tell you that it started by my watching the movie 127 hours - a guy goes hiking in Utah canyons and gets stuck, has to saw his own arm off to escape.  Now, I was not trying to recreate that by any means, but the landscape depicted in that movie made me interested enough to go watch another documentary on the area and add "visit Utah canyons" to my bucket list.

This past weekend, Monika and I drove 14 hours each way (more with stops, etc) to Bryce Canyon National Park and Zion Canyon.  It was beautiful and crazy, like nothing I've ever seen before.  We camped and hiked and got to see amazing rock formations and have fun adventures through mining towns and Saturday night speedway home-made stock car races.  It was truly beautiful and worth every minute, highly recommend.  My favorite hike (actually two favorites) was the 'Navajo Loop' at Bryce, which took you from the top of the canyon down to the bottom and through some massive rock formations (only about 1.5 miles but some steep climbs).  Second favorite hike of the weekend was the Canyon Overlook Trail at Zion National Park.  It's crazy how Zion and Bryce are about an hour and a half driving away from each other but the rock and formations are so totally different and both stunning.  The Zion Canyon overlook hike was also a little over a mile, but up to the top of the Canyon where you can see a few different mountains and rock formations in the distance.  The view really looked like a green screen backdrop to a movie - surreal.  If I hadn't actually been there myself I totally would have thought my pics were photoshopped (they are not).

The world is so beautiful! - Zion Canyon Overlook

Overall, this felt like a big win - doing something that while I was at my low point, I wrote down as something to look forward to doing when I was able physically and mentally.  Life is good, and even when it's really really crappy, there are things to look forward to - even if they take a while, it's so worth it.

Love,
Amy

No News is Good News

Hi Team,

The last post I made was almost exactly 6 months ago, just a few days after my exchange surgery.  I was feeling down and irritated at a whole slew of things, mostly my once again new breasts not being as big and perky as they had been when I just had the tissue expanders.  My intention was to check back in and provide the cheery update that I had just overreacted and things were just fine, and clearly that hasn't happened yet - I'm not upset about them anymore, but still not thrilled.  From the beginning of finding out that I would have to somehow cut up my boobs, I immediately thought positively, that I was excited to be able to get brand new ones and get what I wanted.  Monika actually said to me at one point, "Amy, you didn't have to get breast cancer just to get a boob job" to which I responded "I did if I wanted to get it covered by insurance!"

In Vegas recently, surprised I
actually did have some cleavage :-D 

That said, over the last 6 months a few things about this whole process became a lot more clear in my mind.  The first thing is that it's really f-ing hard.  Breasts are highly correlated with a woman's femininity and sexuality.  They are right out there on the front of your body for everyone to see.  Nobody's body is perfect and nobody has exactly the boobs they want (with or without surgery), but generally these things develop over time and we have our awkward teenage years to get used to it.  With a mastectomy and reconstruction, you go into surgery and 4 hours later you wake up with an entirely new physical definition of your body, femininity and sexuality and it's a bit of a mental shock to have to adjust.  Sometimes they are stripped of you entirely, and you feel like everyone can tell, and you yourself are shocked and not sure how to emotionally protect yourself, your self-assurance stripped along with your breasts.  Then you have to do it a second time when you have your exchange surgery.  I really don't think it's possible to prepare yourself for what that is like.  No set of expectations would be the right ones - everybody has a different experience and different people are super happy with the outcome, or not, and outcomes vary.  I try to think about how I might have handled the situation better or differently and honestly I don't think I could have.  You make the best decision you can in the moment that you make it.  And in the grand scheme of things, I do have one of the better possible outcomes.  I am cancer free and I have reconstruction.  Some people's bodies just entirely reject implants and/or tissue expanders.  Some breast cancer survivors have been so radiated that their skin won't stretch to handle reconstruction.  I feel grateful for my outcome - but it still doesn't take away the feeling of fighting for my femininity and no being disappointed that after all the shit I had to go through, I didn't get the reward of beautiful perfect boobs.  It is what it is, and I just have to remind myself not to get too selfish.

My overall health has been great lately, for which I am incredibly thankful.  Life has been good, and I have a hard time believing it was really 2 whole years ago that I was going through chemo.  How time flies when things are good.

It's really easy to reflect on your life when things are crappy - sometimes you need to pout and it's definitely good to vent to friends or whoever, just let it out.  But when things are good, don't forget to recognize and savor the moment!  I recently have been reflecting on how happy I am right now overall.  I have an awesome job, wonderful friends and a loving supportive family.  Nobody I love has died recently and there haven't been any major catastrophes lately.  There is always that damn nagging in the back of my mind that whispers to me "enjoy it because those hard times will come back around!  This won't last forever!"  And it's true, but I really do try to take the time as much as possible, even if it's just a minute on my commute to work to stop, just be in my present moment and appreciate.  A video in closing to share with you my fun escapades lately - Took a trip to Bali with some friends and this was a monkey getting really friendly... 

Love, 

Amy   

The Good and The Tough

Hi Team,

Thought I would write a bit about my exchange surgery and the time since then.

The surgery itself was a breeze compared to my mastectomy.  I was in and out in the same day, and I knew the routine.  I made sure to ask for some anti-nausea meds and they gave me plenty of drugs for anxiety, pain, and to knock me out and not have me remember what happened.  My mom said, an hour and a half after I went in, my surgeon came looking for her.  She said "You're done already?!" he said "Nah, I just thought I'd come hang out with you."  So yes, he finished quickly, said I did great, and I'm going to be so happy with the results.  I walked out of the hospital.  I definitely have some pain and exhaustion, but nothing like the pain and exhaustion after a mastectomy.

On to my emotional state... I wanted to write a post today just to remember how I'm feeling, because I know with time this will improve, but I don't want to give the illusion that it's all a breeze.  Let's go back to the year 2002, Ten years ago.  I was a senior in college and I had beautiful, nice long hair, and I decided to do something good, and donate it to locks of love, letting them cut off 10 inches.  It felt good until I first looked in the mirror and felt horrified, ran crying to my friends and boyfriend and hid in my apartment for days.  Now in retrospect, that was very silly, the hair didn't look all that bad (hey I HAD hair!) and with a week or two it grew back to looking like a cute pixie cut.  Granted boobs don't grow back (at least not at my age), but I will adjust to how they look and feel, but today, I feel like that 21 year old sobbing and wanting to hide in my apartment.

My tissue expanders, while they were rock solid and didn't feel anything like boobs, looked big and perky and fun.  Now only 3 days later, my soft boobs look flat and droopy.  What happened?!  I got silicone implants, so they are nice and soft and boob-feeling, but the are at least a full cup size looking smaller and just lower on my chest.  I was sobbing this afternoon because I was so disappointed!  My stream of consciousness immediately chastises me for feeling disappointed about boobs - a) I'm lucky to have any and b) I am still alive, what the hell am I doing complaining about boobs.  But honestly, it's a really hard adjustment.  I feel like my body is not mine, a LOT of people don't get the fact that I don't have a say in what they look like really.  I can state an opinion but this is not an exact science, and really it's up to how my body reacts to stretching muscle and skin and holding scar tissue in place.  I can't just order them from a catalogue and make sure I have a good return policy.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm being harder on myself than I need to be, and as we all do, I have this constant push and pull of logic and emotion.  Today I'm just going to let the emotion win and be sad that I'm disappointed that they are not as perky and big as my tissue expanders were.  Eventually over time I'll let my logic influence my emotion to feel better about it.  But for now, this sucks and it's a really hard adjustment.  Again.

Love,
Amy

Surgery Update

Hey folks, this is Monika.

Amy is out of surgery. Report from mom is that doctors said everything went really well and they're hanging out in recovery now. She'll be sleeping at home tonight and will probably update you guys herself in the next couple of days when she has some energy.

From me, thanks so much to everyone who has offered so much love and support. In six weeks Amy will be able to start going back to all of her normal activities again, with more natural boobs, and knowing all this is behind her. On to better things :)

New Year, New Boobs

Hi Team,

As I prepare myself for another surgery, I am reminded that although it feels like I've started a new chapter in my life, the chapter I've written about in this blog is still very much a part of me.  'Another Surgery?' you ask,  Yes, let me explain.

Back in Sept. 2010, after I had just finished chemo, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.  Reconstruction after a mastectomy is very different than just getting a normal boob job.  With normal breast augmentation, they will put the implant under the breast tissue, lifting it up and making it bigger.  With a mastectomy, there is no more breast tissue, and it is too exposed to just put the implant underneath your skin.  So, they put the implant under your pectoral muscle.  They can't usually put a full breast-sized implant under the pectoral muscle because there isn't room for it.  So, they put a temporary tissue expander in which they fill with a little more saline over the months, stretching out the muscle until you look like you have a regular-sized boob. Think about those 'pump it up' reebok shoes in the 80s.  This 'boob' though, is made out of an industrial grade plastic that has a hard port (where they inject more saline).  It may look normal with clothes on, but if you feel it or look at it underneath, it doesn't budge or feel a bit like a boob.  So there is another surgery after you are all done with the expansion, where they open up your original incisions and take out the temporary tissue expanders, replacing them with more realistic boob-like implants.

That's the summary, and I'm having it done this upcoming Friday.  I'll be under general anesthesia and the surgery is supposed to be 3-4 hours long, but no overnight stay in the hospital.  I'm not supposed to do anything that will get me sweaty or extend my upper body for 6 weeks afterward.

I am kind of nervous about this surgery.  Not because I'm afraid of the pain or waking up, recovery, etc.  But because I have to say that emotionally, getting over the challenge of being bald, being dumped, getting boobs cut off and having to get them slowly rebuilt over time was really challenging, and thinking about going back for another surgery brings me back to that time pretty clearly.  I was an emotional, hormonal ball of wreckage at the time, but that was a long time ago now.  It's odd because anyone that I have just met that I tell I went through cancer treatment usually immediately thinks that I am a strong confident woman and since I kicked cancer's butt, I probably have this sense of full self-confidence.  I wish I felt that way, and sometimes I do, but I feel like that is something that comes much more gradually over time.  The process of getting used to my new body, dating and talking to people about what I've been through and how my body is different, is nerve wrecking at first.  For a long time I was much more sensitive to people's reactions because I wasn't yet confident in my own skin.  Especially when going on dates, there really is no good point in conversation with a new person to bring up, 'oh yeah, I had cancer, got my boobs cut off, don't have nipples now, but you know, I survived.'  Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel like that experience is intimidating to most people my age, they can't relate to it, and it immediately may have the reaction of admiration, but also creates distance.  

Anyway, dating aside, I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel as self conscious about my body, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore.  I've started to get more comfortable in my (new) skin, and have the attitude that 'this is me', take it or leave it.  And now I'm going to make another change, restart the adjustment and getting used to it all.

A good friend of mine made a great point though, that this is not like last time.  I have all the experiences I've gone through since then, the surgery isn't as invasive and I've rebuilt a new and happy life since then.  I know it will be fine and it's not the same, but it still brings me back to a time that was really not so happy, and makes me nervous about what will be the outcome.  You never know - as my surgeon explained to me last Wednesday, the risk is ~ if there is any bacteria on the implant when they put it in, if it gets infected they have to take it out entirely for at least 6 months (meaning no reconstruction whatsoever) and then possibly restart.  It's not a likely situation, but it's possible.  I try not to think about that since there are always the 'what ifs' but I also try not to get any expectations of what I will look like in my head until after it's been successful.  

 So anyway, this post is getting a bit long so I'll leave you with that.  I'll make sure to update everyone and post more later about life and the new year (which incidentally are going great).

Love,
Amy

Bacon = Mindfulness

Hi Team,

Many of you have asked me about the Mindfulness class I'm starting to take, so I decided to write a post (or maybe a few as this progresses) about how this is going, and what exactly it is from my perspective.

I really like the description on their website - "Through lectures, exercises and group discussions participants learn how habitual reactions to stress create anxiety, depression, fear, anger and possibly illness. Students learn how to change their reactions by bringing awareness to the arising mental thoughts or emotional feelings in a non-judgmental way."

Keep in mind this is my journey through learning about this and in no way am I an expert on anything I write in here, blah blah blah disclaimer.  Ok.  So as I understand it, mindfulness is the practice of clearing away all the clutter in your brain, that constant stream of consciousness and chatter that goes on.  This tendency is in everyone, and is part of our natural human-ness so there is not the goal of making it go away, but rather the practice of recognizing it, acknowledging it, and choosing to be aware of your present moment.  The goal specifically having to do with trauma (physical, mental, emotional) is not to make the pain go away, but rather to allow us to sit with it in a non-judgemental way, and approach thoughts as just that - thoughts.  Every time something enters your mind such as "this sucks" or "I'm bored" or "I'm in so much pain I can't stand it" or "My life is never going to be the same", you recognize it, consider it a thought, and let it pass.  Then you approach the next moment as a new beginning. 

My first thought on this practice is that it sounds great in theory, but I am doubtful that I have enough self control to recognize these judgements in the moment.  Sure when I'm sitting on the floor in a quiet room and someone is telling me to be aware of the present moment, it's quite easy.  When I'm rushing around my daily life, realistically, I don't see myself being that self-aware.  So that's a thought, and something to consider, but I let it pass and then just sit in my present moment and appreciate right now.  See how that works?  :-D

What I really liked about this particular teacher and look forward to in this class is that she is going to take us through a number of different meditation techniques and teach us different ways to practice.  She says everyone is different and different things will stick depending on what works for you.  What I especially like is that she talked about recognizing that sitting on the floor meditating for 30-45 mins a day is not realistic for most people.  The mindfulness she teaches is a practice that can be done in any moment that you are able to bring yourself into the present and be aware.  For example, one woman in a past class dedicated the moment that she came home from work to give her child a hug as her mindful moment.  Another person had to commute across the golden gate bridge and really enjoyed that part of her drive, and dedicated that time while she was driving across the golden gate bridge as her mindful moment out of her day.  A moment to just be there, fully take in your environment and be still.  The hope is that over time and with trying different things, each of us will find something that works for us, to bring a mindfulness practice into our lives.

Our homework for this past week was about mindful eating.  We did an exercise in class where we ate a raisin.  Something most of us have eaten so many times, yet we usually pop it in (maybe a handful?), chew a few times and swallow.  We practiced actually looking at the raisin, noticing the color, shape, ridges, texture.  Putting it in your mouth and really feeling the body's reaction to it - how does it taste?  Does it taste different on one side than the other? Chew it slowly and see how the taste and the texture change.  Do you tend to chew more on one side than the other?  What happens as you keep chewing it without swallowing as we usually do so quickly?  The homework was to have just one mindful bite each day.  We all eat, at least a meal or two (or in my case sometimes many more) every day.  One bite.  Notice it, take it slow and just pay attention to it.  I made my first bite bacon.  It was salty, crispy, fatty and delicious.  Makes me salivate and melts in my mouth.  I had the thought that I really should not be eating bacon, and then I let that pass as a judgement.  It was great.

That's all for now - I look forward to any of your thoughts on this journey!  I'm hoping that once I learn to clear away the clutter in my mind (of course, done once and for all just like doing dishes), I can spread that more into clearing clutter from my apartment too.  We'll see how that goes.  It's the journey of a lifetime I suppose.

Love,
Amy

Just Another Day

Hi Team,

So tomorrow is really just another day.  But it's also a year to the day since my double mastectomy and, while we are marking milestones, 5 years to the day since I got engaged (and then broke it off 9 mos later).  I'm kind of thinking I might want to call in sick tomorrow and just stay in bed to make sure nothing exciting happens. 

I've been noticing on a regular basis lately how much I love my life.  I figure one of the benefits of having gone through really tough times is being able to truly appreciate the really good times and I'm definitely doing that.  It's amazing what a difference a year can make.  I do work a lot, but I also have a lot of fun.  I spend time with people I love and I smile a lot.  As much as possible. 

I have been venturing lately into the world of dating again.  I figure it's been over a year since my last relationship ended so I should probably at least put myself out there again.  And to my surprise, it's been fun and interesting.  I've mostly so far been doing a field test with online dating, I signed up for both ok cupid and eharmony just to juxtopose and compare the two.  I've been on a few dates but overall I've made the following observations:  1.  No matter how many I have, first dates will always make me nervous 2. There are more fishes in the sea than I originally thought, but you can't judge a fish by it's online dating profile  3.  There is no right time to tell a guy you are getting to know that you had cancer.   This is an interesting one.  I have yet to be... let's say, "intimate" with a guy that wasn't with me before my surgery.  At what point do you break into the conversation and say... "Oh Yeah, I've been to the hospital too, I had cancer and got my boobs cut off.  Oh yeah, these?  They're fake, yeah I don't have nipples anymore, just scars.  I know!  You can't tell from the outside".  No!  It's just not something that people can relate to at my age.

I realize it's probably all in my head and as soon as I stop making it a big deal, it will stop being this awkward thing I can't talk about with guys I am attracted to... but yeah I certainly haven't figured that one out.  I guess that's why I need practice! 

On the bright side, tomorrow I am starting a Mindfulness course.  In the brief couple of months that I was actually seeing a therapist last year, she introduced me to the concept of Mindfulness.  This is the practice of being present in your current moment and aware in your being, just observing with an open mind and soft heart.  It's a lot more difficult than we might think.  So often we get caught up in the incessant chatter of our stream of consciousness and don't stop to just be.  It takes practice.  So, for the next 8 weeks every Thursday night from 7-9pm I will be practicing.  Wish me luck!

Just for comparison sake and a reminder what a difference a year can make (if I didn't know I might not guess I was the same person... or am I... ):

Last Year - Aug. 2010

This Year - Aug. 2011

Love,
Amy

Port-less!

Hi Team,

I felt a bit melodramatic after posting that last post, as it actually is a fairly routine procedure, and everything went just fine.  Although I have to say, it didn't hurt that I took a few valium.

So I went into the Dr.'s office and they cleaned the area and gave me a few local anesthesia shots in my chest near my port (you know, like when you get a filling in your tooth) and then chiseled away at it for a while - 2 hours exactly, to get it out.  She said my body had quite taken a liking to the thing, since normally it only takes a half hour to take out - and normally only one incision but she had to make two, one where the port was and one near my jugular vein to pull it out of the vein.  But all in all, not bad.  I got to hear all about my surgeon's recent trip to the south of France and her restaurant recommendations for my upcoming trip to Chicago.  Overall quite a nice chat, although I would have preferred that we do it over a glass of wine than with me on an operating table. 

I did, on the suggestion of one of my friends, ask if I could take it home.  She said no, they have to send it back somewhere since it's a medical device.  I told her, I wanted to used it as a paperweight.  To which she said, it's not really heavy enough for that.  I told her I don't really  use that much paper, working at an internet company.  She said, it would probably be better to make a bracelet out of it.  What a great suggestion!  Anyway, I didn't get it - but I did get a picture of it!  This is the actual port that was in my body, giving me all that chemo and herceptin treatments.  Whew.  So, I am now port-less.  Yay!

Love,

Amy

Another Milestone

Hi Team,

I was going to try to just fly on by, but my introspective nature has once again stopped me in my tracks.  I get my port out tomorrow!  A few fun flashbacks for you.  I remember when my oncologist told me I'd be starting chemotherapy and I might want to consider a port.  I thought to myself (internally) 'that's not necessary.'  My chemo is going to be quick and I will be done before I know it.  Fast forward an f-ing week to me checked into the kaiser hospital taking half a liter of blood every 12 hours and stabbing me in every possible corner trying to find a good vein.  I felt like a pin cushion!  I was so happy to get discharged and once my white blood cells were high enough my first order of business was to get a port. 

Going in to get a port was the first time I'd been checked in to an actual hospital.  The nurse put an IV in me, then Dr. Fisch asked me to sign a form that said I had "informed consent" about this surgery - although he proceeded to inform me that he didn't really believe in informed consent.  To which I didn't ask any further questions because I wasn't sure I wanted to know.  This in retrospect was the first bad sign.  Then the nurse proceeded to ask me if I have an advance directive.  Ie. A legal document that tells people what to do with you if you either become a vegetable or die.  Let me tell you, if you DON'T have an advance directive, or like me, didn't have any clue what that was, it is not reassuring to be asked that 2 minutes before they put some serious drugs in you and start cutting.  That said, they drugged me up with a great drung called versed which is supposed to be an anti-anxiety and amnesia-enducing drug.  Unfortunately, I remember.  As the dr. first cut into me, I could feel it, and I cried.  And I remember the nurses gathering around and giving me another few doses of versed, probably enough to sedate a grizzly bear, and me dozing off into a weird state of semi-consciousness.  I woke up as I was getting moved off the operating table, and told them, Thank you for fixing that - that was really bad at first but you did a good job.  They said, I'm glad  you remember it that way.

Fast forward to about a month ago in Dr. Langer's office, my surgeon, I was there for a check up and she says - now that you're done with all your IV treatment, you can get your port out.  Just schedule a regular appointment in my office and I'll take it out.  Now, please note that a port is a small peice of metal and silicone in my chest with a tube going into my jugular vein for administering IV medication.

I said to Dr. Langer.  "Ok, uhm, just in your office?  I don't need to go to the hospital?" She says - no, it will be fine we'll just do it here.  To which I say, ok here is what I'm envisioning, you tell me what you think.  Dr. cuts open my chest and pulls my port out of my jugular vein and my neck goes spurting blood all over the doctor's office, Kill Bill style.  She said, don't worry - that's not going to happen.  Your body will clot it, and plus, you've been through far worse.  Famous not-encouraging words.  Although I guess I appreciate the effort.

Anyway, tomorrow is another milestone.  I'm excited and scared.  It's amazing to me that even after everything I've been through, I am still scared of something relatively little like this - and that I somehow think I am just going to take a bus there, 2 valium to get through, and a cab home.  Thank God for my friends that call me out on my bullshit and make me ask for support.  You would think by now it would come more naturally!  Either way, its exciting stuff because it's one more step to putting all this behind me.

Love,
Amy

Fun and Morbidity

Hi Team -

I did like the idea of just ending this chapter of my life and 'riding off into the sunset' with my happy ending, but let's be honest.  You can't just decide a chapter is done and that's it.  There's so much more to tell!  So I decided to keep sharing. 

For the last few months I've been throwing myself into my new job, working hard and playing hard.  I love my new team and my new company (and I'm not just saying that because they might read this) although I do miss the people I used to work with, it has really done wonders for my mind to be in this new job.  I actually thought last year that maybe chemo had just killed a bunch of brain cells and I just didn't have the capacity to be as sharp as I was before... this new job has forced me to wake up, pay attention and learn something new. And, I'm doing it!  It feels great to have a mental accomplishment when I felt so dried up mentally for so long. It still takes me longer to think of people's names and brain farts come more often than they used to, but maybe I can just blame that on getting older.

 




 Back in October 2010, the month after my bilateral mastectomy, after my ex-boyfriend had just broken up with me, and I was still bald and feeling not very feminine or happy, I decided to book myself a trip to Costa Rica to have something to look forward to.  Well, in May, I went - to Costa Rica and Panama.  My mom went with me to Panama and 3 of my closest friends went with me to Costa Rica. 

Some highlights:
- 'Alitos de Bufalo' on a restaurant menu is not some fancy buffalo dish, but rather buffalo wings (ie. chicken)
- When teaching a first time surfer (me) how to stand up on a surf board, the high-pressure "GO! NOW!, Don't Wait When I say GO" does not actually work

- Apparently Panama has the world's best coffee, I did not hear about this growing up in Kona (also the world's best coffee)

- Marriage ritual for Kuna Indians:  The man goes running off hiding in the town and his friends find him and drag him kicking and screaming into the woman's house where they have the marriage ceremony and he then assimilates into her family.  How realistic of them. 

- Crabs are only cute when there are only a few of them on the porch, not hundreds covering the street when you are trying to walk home









Another experience on my recent trip made me very aware of a new world view I seem to be developing in a strong way.  It's slightly morbid, but in my opinion, realistic.  It doesn't depress me, but rather motivates me!  Mom and I were flying from Panama City to the San Blas Archeapelago and we got on a plane that had 8 seats at the most - Mom says "We all get window seats!"  It was a little plane and a bumpy ride, and I thought to myself, 'hmmm I wonder if this is how I die.'  Not in the scared way of 'ohmygod I'm going to die' but more like, well, I'm going to die at some point - it wasn't in 2010 from breast cancer, I wonder if it's in 2011 from a plane crash.  Well, it wasn't (so far).  I guess it's more the discovery of the concept that it is inevitable and could be at any time - we envision growing old with our families and eventually dying in a hospital bed with your children, grandchildren, etc all there holding your hand.  I don't think that's how it goes for most people.  My uncle died suddenly while scuba diving.  My best friend in college died suddenly in a car accident.  My great grandmother lived to be 102 (I think, I kind of lost track at one point) - A different uncle was telling me recently that his daughter is turning 30 and freaking out about it.   My immediate response, just popped out of my mouth before I could sensor it (although I don't think I would have anyway), was "She should be glad she made it that far." 

Anyway, my point is, you never know, but that can be a positive motivating thing.  I now get in my car and think almost every time, I am more likely to die in a car accident than of breast cancer.  It's oddly empowering to me to be able to think these things and not be afraid of them.  It allows me, for example, to not feel bad for opening a good bottle of wine just to have a glass by myself with dinner.  Or push myself until I feel like throwing up at my spin class - because why not.  Knowing that a beach is the #4 most shark infested beach in the world (Beach at Bolinas, thank you Dave for the jeapordy fact), does not make me want to get out of the water.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not reckless.  I went through chemo and fought for my life, I didn't do all that for nothing - I do highly value my time, but I am also weirdly/acutely aware that this time is limited.  I hope I keep that sense for a very long time.  I enjoy it. 

Love,

Amy

Choose your own adventure: Ride off into the sunset or turn back to fight the dragon?

Hi Team,

A year ago today, I walked into the radiologist's office at Kaiser to get an ultrasound on a lump I had felt in my breast. I ended up first getting an ultrasound, then getting an uncomfortable twisty-face look (which I now recognize as the you've got cancer look) and a core needle biopsy all in the same appointment. I had walked in thinking I probably had some little cyst from changing my birth control. I very clearly remember after the ultrasound, weird look, and biopsy, then getting my first mammogram and being sat down in the radiologists office as she explained to me what she saw on my mammogram.

She said, I can't tell you for sure until I get the results of the biopsy back. But, based on my experience, all these little white dots we see around your lump area are called micro-calcifications and they are a telltale sign of something really bad. She wouldn't use the C word with me. So I said it, 'so you think it's cancer?' she said - well, yes based on my experience, I would guess that's highly likely. What we see here are the signs of cancer cells dying off. I don't have a for sure answer for you, but it's most likely the case and I want you to prepare yourself for that news.

I walked out of the office stunned and still believing she was wrong. I took a deep breath and repeated the words I had just heard, even though they hadn't really processed for myself yet, to my friend Monika, then to my Mom, then to my (now ex) boyfriend. I was numb.

It was not until the next morning, 4/2/2010, as I was in the SFO airport around 11am with a bloody mary and chicken sandwich, on my way to a weekend in Vegas with the (now ex) boyfriend for our 3 year anniversary, that I got the call. I remember trying to furiously take notes as she said words that sounded like a foreign language to me, but certainly were not good. She said, you've got cancer and not just in one spot, but it's invasive, meaning it's spread from it's original place. You'll have to come in for more scans over the next week so we can determine how far it's spread and what your next course of action will be. You will definitely have to do some sort of surgery. You will probably have to do chemotherapy. And you may also have to do radiation.

After I got off the phone, I just sat there. I pushed my sandwich away and pulled my bloody mary close to me, putting the the straw in my mouth, and downed it in between sobs. I let tears stream down my face right in the airport restaurant. I was totally oblivious to the outside world and felt scared and alone. I called my mom and boyfriend again and choked out the words again, and asked them to start telling people so I didn't have to tell everyone myself.

I left the restaurant and sat down with my computer and started typing out all my thoughts. I started two different files, entitled "My Fears" and "My questions" - the questions mostly were medical in nature and answered with a lot of research and asking questions to the doctors. The fears are a lot more complex. They mostly all came true. I had to tell everyone, I had to do chemo, I had to take time off work, I had to figure out a way to make it all work financially, my boyfriend did end up leaving me at the time I most needed him. There were a few that didn't come true, but in that one instant in time, I was terrified of it all, and for good reason. I still am terrified for that girl sitting in the SFO gate area, not knowing what comes next. Blissful ignorance swept out from under me like a dirty rug.

Over the last year, I've learned a lot about breast cancer, learned a lot about friendships and relationships. I've built an incredibly strong bond with my family and friends, and had some really fun evenings just sitting and talking, even though I felt shitty, those memories are incredibly close to my heart. I've done chemo, gotten past my fear of needles and blood, got my boobs cut off and gotten new ones. I've lost all my hair, but had it grow back, and lost a relationship, but gained an incredible new career and job. Karma is finally repaying a few of the debts from the past year, and I have an exciting fresh start. For a long time I found it hard to genuinely smile, and sometimes I still do. When you are constantly thinking about really hard stuff, and really tragic decisions, and it faces you in the mirror every day, it becomes really hard to joke around and be whimsical. Finally I have started having days that are only few and far between where I have to think about my survival or feeling or looking really shitty. I have started laughing again in a genuine way. It didn't feel natural at first, and maybe only over the last week or so has it started coming back more easily. But it's there, and knowing that is the first step in my having faith that it can become the norm again.

I'm going to end my story while we're on a happy ending. Because I like happy endings. And I know life has a way of cycling through extreme happiness and extreme sadness. And they both come back around. That may sound kind of morbid, but it depends on what kind of a person you are. As I look at the glass half full, I see it as realistic. Yes shitty stuff happens, and you know it will, and you have to face it head on and deal with it. But you also know that when it does happen, that means you're that much closer to the good stuff happening again. And while you're in the middle of the good stuff, just make sure you appreciate it, make sure the people you love know it, and be kind to other human beings because you don't know where they are in their cycle.

Love,

Amy

A Turn for the Better (Finally!)

Hi Team,

I didn't intend to keep this blog going forever, as it's a chapter in my life that I hope to close sooner rather than later. That said, I've had some fun and positive developments in my life lately, and as I come closer to a year since my breast cancer diagnosis, I'm hoping to end this on a more positive note.

So, my expansion is done, I have new boobs! Well, so the entire process is not completely done, I will still have to have another surgery at some point in the future to switch out my temporary implants for more permenant, softer/more realistic ones. It's so weird, they look great (in my humble opinion), and you would never know that they aren't real just from looking, but the minute you touch them, they are solid as a rock and immoveable. That will change with the final implants though. Granted I still no longer have nipples or any sensation of touch over most of my chest, but at least I can pretend most of the time and nobody will know the difference!

In other news, you may remember me mentioning that about 70% of women who go through the chemotheraphy that I went through go through menopause, it kills the ovaries, and you're done with the baby-making. Not that I want to have children now, but I definitely wanted the option to choose... well, a few weeks ago... I started a period! I went through all the menopause symptoms and hadn't had a period for over a year, but this is a really good sign that things are starting to work in there again, the body is normalizing. Now, I don't want to be overly confident, this does not mean that for sure I'm in the clear, but it's a really good sign toward the positive.

Another fun development that I never would have guessed would come my way this year is that I got a new job working for Google! I will be an account manager for Adwords, thier search advertising team, working in Media and Entertainment, calling on Video Game publishing companies. A lot of people have been really surprised at my willingness to make a move so quickly away from Walmart where I actually did have a great gig as a buyer, but Google is probably one of only about 2-3 companies that could have lured me away. And everything happened as if it was just meant to be. Last year my friend who works there forwarded me a job rec that involved travel (travel is one of my biggest passions in life) and I thought, sure! And forwarded her my resume. I didn't hear anything back, and I didn't really think much of it until I got a call from a recruiter in late December, saying they had a great opportunity for me if I was interested. There is a lot of really good press talking about what a great company Google is to work for, so I decided to explore my opportunities, be open to a new direction in life. Or at least see what all the hype is about :) I went down to Mountain View for an afternoon to interview, and I felt right at home. The people were fun and nice, the environment seemed to be productive and comfortable, with lots of nice amentities. I clicked really well with the team, and a few weeks later I had an offer! Everything just seemed to click and line up perfectly, so I decided it was time for a positive change in my life. There are so many times in life where you are handed a really shitty situation and you have to make the best of it, that when you are handed a really awesome situation, sometimes it's hard to recognize or make sense of it right away. I feel like that's what happened here, obviously not without a little work on my part, but it all happened just the way it was supposed to, so I decided it is the right path for me to start new.

If you need any convincing as to the awesomeness of working for Google, here are a few articles for your perusal:

Fortune 100 Best Companies to Work For (Google #4 for 2011)
The Overview of Working at Google

So anyway, as you can tell I'm excited, and happy for a really positive change in my life. I'm excited to be in an environment where ideas and excitement are encouraged and enabled to become reality. Although I can't quite see around the corner yet, I have a feeling this is going to open up some really exciting possibilities for what the future holds.

Soon, I'll be having my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis, so look for another post about my year in retrospect. I'm thinking that will be a good time to close this book and hopefully move on to a more fun and happy 2011 and beyond.

Love,
Amy

New Year's Resolutions

Hi Team,

Long time no talk. I came back last week from a wonderful, restorative 2 and a half weeks in Kona at home. Amazing what the slow pace, sun and family do to restore my sense of me and feeling comfortable in my body again. It's interesting but I've found that it's easier to bring my mind back into my body at home.

Basically to recap, I went to the beach every day, had lots of fun hanging out with family and caught up with some long lost friends. I read a lot, and practiced meditating - it's a work in progress. Progress helped by the book my therapist recommended to me - Full Catastrophe Living (by John Kabat-Zinn). I am practicing making my mind still, bringing myself back into my present moment and not focusing so much on reliving my past, or worrying about my hypothetical future, but just being in my current moment. It's surprisingly hard.



My birthday came and went with some celebration, but mostly on my part, with happiness that it's over. I realize it's just the next day in a series of days, but it feels to me like a chapter (which I was looking forward to the end of) is over. It's still not easy, but every day I get further away from my diagnosis, further from the freshness of the memory of what it's like to be going through chemo, further from the realization that I was getting my boobs cut off, and further from that feeling of not recognizing myself. Every day I get more aquainted with my new self, what I look like now, even though still a work in progress. I don't look so sick to myself when I look in the mirror, and it's easier to smile genuinely. There was a point in time when I remembered who I was before I went through chemo.



It's hard to remember that I had a life, was happy and knew myself and what I stood for. I got so distracted with doing what I needed to do to save my life, that once I didn't have to do it anymore, I didn't know what to do with myself. Like a deer in headlights, still frozen in the middle of the road, not knowing what to do next. In my journal on my way home to Hawaii I decided to start chronicling my year, to put it down on paper and start letting go of it. I started to write about my diagnosis in April and realized, wait, that is not the beginning of the year. So I went back to Jan/Feb and realized what an amazing year I had also. I got to travel to 3 new countries, experience new cultures and do some really amazing things. Then I got to thinking about who I was then - what were the things that I stood for and held true to myself. I was self-confident and happy, loved myself and held my rule of #1 treating others with compassion and acceptance and #2 to leave no rock unturned, life is short, so live it. I knew that even before I was diagnosed, and I wasn't afraid to go out and do it. My cancer diagnosis made me more afraid. I know none of us are going to get out of here alive, but my self-confidence must have been stored in my breasts or went out along with my white blood cells during chemo. But - the great thing is, I am still that person. I just forgot about it in my all-consuming fight for my life. I actually really like who I am and how I approach life. I forgot about all that when I didn't have the chance to think about it.



So, to get to the subject of my post - my new year's resolution. Is to be me. Exactly who I am today, in this moment. It's mostly the same person I have been, with a few improvements, and a slightly altered world view, but still not taking life for granted, and treating as many people as I can with love and acceptance.



Also - an updated picture so you all can see my progress on the hair-growing front - slowly but surely it comes back!





Happy New Year!

Amy

Slowly but Surely

Hi Team,

I don't think I realized coming out of chemo and surgery how hard it would be to transition into a "normal" life again. To get up, go to work, care about things other than my health, and start to get used to my new body and world-view. It's not physically hard - I have started going back to the gym, even hired a trainer to help get me back in shape - and am finally getting my energy levels back. I went to a spin class this week and for the first time since last year, got a good hard hour of intense cardio where I was dripping sweat and it felt fantastic. Being back in life is really emotionally exhausting and hard.

I always look at my life in calendar years since my birthday is on New Years Eve - the calendar year of 2010 is the year I was 28. During New Year's last year, my ex-boyfriend's family had a big new years and birthday-party in Mexico with us and if you had asked me then what I'd be doing this year I would have told you two things: Going on my trip to Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, then maybe moving down to Southern California to be with Anthony and start our life together. That was my plan, although I know it probably would have taken a while. I feel like everything I knew and thought, any sense of control over my life, got pulled out from under me. I went on my (amazing!) trip to SE Asia, but when I got back, I was thrown into a whirlwind of the shock of diagnosis and survival mode. Apparently I am great at performing under pressure - I survived and managed to make pretty good decisions through my treatment, with a lot of good help and support. But now things in my life are quiet again, and I feel like I'm standing on a battlefield with the ruins of my plans and life strewn around me, I'm still alive, but my relationship, my body, my plan for what to do next, was blown to shreds by my fight with cancer. I don't have to fight anymore, but it feels just as chatoic and totally out of my control.

I am not in the before cancer stage of my life, but I'm not in my after cancer stage either. I don't really know what my exact role at work is going to end up being (but thank God for having a job and health insurance), my wonderful stable relationship was apparently not as stable as I thought and is now gone, I am trying to get used to my new body but even that is still a work in progress (reconstruction still in progress) and I still haven't gotten my period back, so who knows if I'll ever be able to have kids or not - just so much still unknown.

I feel like I'm standing here on the battlefield, quiet and peaceful now looking at all the ruins and totally lost as to what to do next. And I have this looming feeling thinking about what I want to accomplish when I turn 29 - calender year of 2011 - I have a hard time even thinking about it. First, it seems like way too much work to pick up all the peices and start fresh. I don't have that much emotional energy. I'm tired. And, when I try to get up some energy to plan something or think about what I want to do, I have this ever-looming sensation of "YOU NEVER KNOW." Hard to think about what to do next when you have a sense of total lack of control over your life.

So anyway, I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately, mostly because I know what to do there, I have a little bit of control over my life and body when I'm exercising, and it helps me feel positive. I'm also looking forward to a wonderful 2 and a half weeks home in Kona for Christmas. This will be the first time in a long time to be home and see my parents and one of us is not sick. In the last two years we've had my dad's trip to the emergency room to get a stint put in the artery leading to his heart (SF 2008), then his lung cancer diagnosis (laster in Kona 2008), his surgery and chemo (Nov '08-Mar '09), then my diagnosis in April of '10... visits with the family over the last years have been hard and traumatic. I'm really looking forward to a trip home that is easier and happy/more peaceful (but you never know).

I hope everyone's holiday season is happy and peaceful. More updates soon.

Love,
Amy

Happy Thanksgiving

Hi Team,

I've started thinking about Thanksgiving already and usually when I think Thanksgiving, I think turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and lots of pie. Oh and football, and feeling so tired I go to bed at 8pm. But this year I feel compelled to take a minute out of my crazy life and not think about food or how many video games we're going to sell at work for a minute and actually be thankful.

I have a hard time putting into words what I am thankful for because it seems so trite and insignificant compared to how intensely I feel. I guess it can be summed up though. I am so grateful to be alive, to have people in my life who love and support me (yes that's you), be able to worry about insignificant stuff at work (ie. worrying about how many video games we're going to sell rather than worrying about whether I should cut off both boobs or just the cancerous one), and not have to struggle every day to get by. I wake up in the morning now and I am not in pain, I have a bed to sleep in, a job to make a living, a pretty fun work environment, a wonderful network of friends and family that loves me and supports me in any and every way possible despite great distance. I totalled up only part of my healthcare costs (the chemo treatment and drugs, blood work, etc, nevermind surgeries or hospitalizations) and just that part would have been more than $380k without health insurance. I am incredibly grateful for my good doctors and health insurance to be able to afford the treatment I got. I don't know how I got to be so lucky.

There is a lot more I want in life - I want to travel the world and see more new cultures and beautiful places. This helps me be reminded that there is more to life than just the little wheel I run in every day, and that in the grand scheme of things, the little stuff just doesn't matter. I want to have a family and a supportive man in my life. I have to just have faith that with some trial and error, as long as I keep learning from my experiences, this will happen and the right person will come along. And if they don't, I will still be able to find happiness. I am very fortunate for my job, but I want to be compensated for something I truely feel passionate about. But I have to be patient, learning from the job I have and making sure that I take opportunities as they come up and follow my intuition.

Anyone else want to chime in with what they are thankful for this year?

Best,
Amy

A New Normal

Hi Team,

I haven't posted for a while because - great news - there really hasn't been any news! I keep saying to my friends that I just want my life to be boring for a while. I have had too much drama, too many hard times this year, I just want to laugh, enjoy myself, and protect myself from any more negativity at least until next year. Of course nobody ever wishes hard times on themselves, but I have reached my cap for this year, so it's official - for the rest of the year my life is going to be boring, drama-free and happy.

In that vein, for the last two weeks, my life has pretty much consisted of waking up around 7am for work, having a cup of coffee and a shower, some oatmeal or cereal - going to work around 8:30 until around 5:30 (and getting out of work always by 6pm at the latest), then either coming home and watching a few hours of tv or going to the gym or going to the therapist, and going to sleep. Rinse and repeat. It's been tiring even with that little routine since going back to work has taken a lot of energy - but it's been wonderful. It has been a lot more alone time than I'm used to, but I've realized that more alone time doesn't mean that my friends aren't there for me just as much as they always have been. It has been a concerted effort to make sure I manage my energy, and don't over-plan my life. I'm sure I'll go back to a fairly busy schedule, but for now it's been perfect.

That said, I did make a quick trip down to LA for this past weekend to visit with my family friend Polly and see all the Orange County/LA friends whom I haven't seen is ages. Way too long! They've had beautiful babies and exciting stories and they showed me so much love and welcoming that I was once again overwhelmed with a feeling of joy and gratitude for my life and the people in my life. It makes me well up with tears just thinking about it again. I truly am very fortunate in so many respects. Here are a few pics of my adventures this weekend, to share with you all. Pic to the right/above is at the peak of our hike in Runyon Canyon, above LA and in the distance, Century city. It was a really beautiful day. Below, Polly and me trying on sunglasses on the Universal Citywalk, and a few pics from brunch at my friend Sarah's house.

I have been fairly public with my journey and what I've been going through but for the first time at work this week, someone whom I had worked with but hadn't seen for a while caught me in the elevator and said "Oh you cut your hair! It looks so good but I almost didn't recognize you! When did you do that?"

In my mind: "Oh you didn't hear I had cancer? Almost the whole company knows."

One more time in my mind: "Oh it fell out with my chemo but Thanks anyway"

Last time with my internal monologue: "I know, I hardly recognize me on the inside too after what I've been through

I finally just landed on saying "Thank you, it was a few months ago" and leaving it at that. It was a 30 second elevator ride and I really didn't need to ruin his day. We can save that story for another time if he really wants to know. I did feel wonderful though that my hair is now at a place where people don't automatically assume I'm sick.

Otherwise on the health front I've been doing well aside from just being tired a lot. I still get Herceptin as an IV treatment every 3 weeks (until April), I get more saline in my tissue expanders every 3-4 weeks (until about next April), I am going to therapy, have to get a Muga-scan to measure my heart function every 3 months and am on tamoxifen (which blocks estrogen) for the next 5 years. So although everyone assumes I'm "better," to me it still feels like a lot. And it will for a while.

I've also noticed that now that my life is more settled, and my body and mind are finally relaxing from being in survival mode, more of the emotional trauma has started to come out. Little stuff sets me off and it's unnerving because I used to be able to hold it in and I just can't anymore. Just the other day I was at the gym, had finished some cardio and picked an empty group exercise room to do some stretches in. It was quiet and dark and I had my iphone playing slower music while I stretched off Pandora. I had never heard it before, but Tracy Chapman's song "Change" came on, and I just broke down bawling in the middle of the room by myself. Oddly, I felt incredible relief, so I'm just going to let it keep coming as long as it needs to.

Love,

Amy

Taking the Girls to Florida

Hi Team,

Today I just got back from my good friend Jean's wedding in Coral Springs, FL. I was wondering how taking saline implants through security at an airport would work since a week and a half ago I got 100ml injected in each, and originally there were 70ml, so converting... yes that's more than 3.4oz each. Not to worry, they did not detain me for bringing too much liquid through the security gate. Don't go getting any crazy ideas though.

Jean's wedding was beautiful, and I was basking in the beautiful warmth of the South Florida weather and beaches. My friends were very patient in listening to me say "I'm just SO happy right now!" It's the cheesiest thing, but I really do feel like just the sense of being really content, in a warm place, on the beach, with some really close old friends, having a beer or dancing our butts off together making a fool of ourselves is really just the best it gets. It makes me so overjoyed to feel that now, that it brings tears to my eyes. Is that weird? I'm ok with being weird. It's just been quite a while since I felt that kind of happiness and joy, it's overwhelming at times how fortunate I feel.

On the same subject of feeling fortunate, I have also been reading "Interpreter of Maladies", an excellent book of short stories. Well written, short but densly packed with meaning, some sadness but always a healthy dose of introspection. I read the second story which talks about a Pakistani citizen living in the US during the time of civil war in Pakistan, watching the news each day living in fear that his family was dead or going to die, or just fear of the unknown for what he would return to. I think about my last post, slightly judging the customer service lady on the bank phone line, and consider for a moment that I could be considered just as lucky by someone in a different situation. I felt like it was silly that the lady on the phone was telling me about her close-call to going to the hospital for bronchitis (or asthma?) when I had refered to my hospital stay which was for breast cancer. After reading this short story I shut the book and took a moment to put myself in my place, as I had wanted to for the lady on the phone. Although I faced a life threatening disease, I got it at an early stage, which was cureable, and am now disease free, only 6 months later. I feel deep loss, but my hair is already growing back, I will eventually have new boobs (although not the same sense of sensation in them), I will eventually start dating someone who I know will stick around through the hard times, and I will survive. I worry, but I do not wake up every day in fear and anxiety, wondering if I or my family or friends will be killed today. On the contrary, I get to wake up, have a cup of coffee, go to work, come home, and pet my kitties while I watch the SF Giants win the world series. Go Giants!

Love,

Amy

My New Perspective

Hi Team,

So I was smiling silently to myself this morning and thought I would share with you all. I was recently going over my credit card statement for last month and realized there were a bunch of charges on Sept. 17th from Xbox Live that I didn't make... I haven't been totally with the program so I didn't notice until now going over all my line items. So, I called in today to dispute the charges, not too alarmed because there are not any other fraudulent charges on my account.

I went through all the info with the lady at the bank and here is a snippet of our conversation:

Me: "I didn't make these charges, and I need them disputed and credited back. I was actually in the hospital on that day and there's no way that would have been charged."

BofA Customer Service nice Lady: "Oh you know, I have so many friends that have had to go to the hospital lately. I have this bug that hasn't gone away for almost a month now, I think it might be my asthma or maybe bronchitis."

Me: Silence.

Me: Resisting urge to say "Oh yeah, mine was breast cancer and I was having both my boobs cut off"

Me: Mentally debating just saying "Well, I'm sure you'll survive"

Me: Finally mentally landed on the understanding option, I said "Yeah there's a lot of that going around, I hope you feel better." ~more awkward silence~

Oh my. I am so proud of myself for not shooting down her story. I'm sure her asthma and/or bronchitis makes her uncomfortable, and hopefully she does get it checked out. Need to remind myself that even though I've gone through crazy life threatening disease does not mean other's health concerns are not valid. And there's no reason to make nice customer service lady who is getting my money credited back feel bad.

Happy Sunday!

Love,
Amy