Fast Forward, A Year Later

Hi Team,

Wow has it really been a year since my last post?  Why is it that time goes so fast when things are good and so incredibly slow when times are hard?

Anyhow, I am grateful that times have been fantastic over the last year.  Isn't life amazing how quickly it's possible to forget pain?  Today I found a New York Times "Share your Breast Cancer" story submission form, visited my blog to find a few snippets to share on that post, and realized that it's about time I update this with all the good stuff that's been going on in my life.

Since last year this time, I have bought a house and moved out of the city of San Francisco into the warm and sunny Berkeley.  It was a risk, but the right decision financially, and I can say almost exactly a year from moving here, that I am extremely happy with my decision.  Life is a bit slower, but I was at a point where I had been craving that anyway.

For a long time after my cancer treatment I struggled with the idea of dating.  I had been through so much shit that I just didn't want to put myself out there in a very real and vulnerable way anymore.  At the same time, I craved the companionship and intimacy of a man.  I didn't know how to get to know someone.  At what point does cancer come up in a conversation?  In reality, it doesn't.  There is never a good time to bring it up... but I guarantee you by the time you get naked, you had better have said something or else there are going to be some big surprises!  So I just avoided it, doing a few awkward online dates from time to time that didn't really amount to much.  Then, on my road trip to Utah, I randomly met Nico in a bar that ended up being someone that didn't take any work to get to know.  He is sweet, and raw and real and read my entire blog start to finish the month I met him.  He sees me for who I am, and although neither of us is perfect, we both see the big picture and love each other very much.  I couldn't feel luckier.

I got a dog for the first time in my life, now that I have a backyard and a partner in crime to help me take care of him.  He's a cute, sweet little 90lb mastiff/pitbull rescue from the Berkeley humane society.  I made the decision on a bit of a whim not realizing how much work I was signing myself up for, but it certainly is rewarding also.  

I quit my fancy job at Google and joined a startup tech company. It's been a wild ride, and was definitely a risky decision, but one of those decisions where you just have to find out what happens, and know you'll regret it if you never do.  So I did it.  So far so good.

Also, on the health side, things are great.  I finally got myself some nipples this past January, although I still haven't tattooed on an areola, I am slightly more normal looking.  I think eventually I'll finish them off since I've gotten this far, although I don't really worry about it as much anymore since I know Nico likes them.  But, just for myself, as a reward for what I've worked toward, I still think it would be good to do.

A few pictures as well - the hair is normal length now, almost as if nothing had happened, except we all know that you can never quite be the same :)

Love,
Amy

Graduation and Nipples

Hi Team,

Thought I would share a funny dr. appointment I had last week.  I had my annual checkup w/ Dr. Langer at Kaiser (my breast surgeon).  She did an exam for me, asked me some questions about how I've been feeling and declared me graduated!  Yay!  That means that I will still go to see my oncologist for checkups (until I hit the 5 year mark) but I've been doing well enough that she doesn't also need to see me anymore.

Separately she was looking at my boobs, the reconstruction and said, hmmm they look great - but you need some nipples on there.  (right now they are nipple-less, only scars across the front)  "Why haven't you gotten nipples yet?"  Of course I didn't have a good answer for this question other than 'uhhh I dunno too lazy'?  But I said, yes I do think I want to get some, just to make me look somewhat a little more normal when I'm naked.  (With all the positivity that someone else will be seeing me naked).  So she brought the plastic surgeon, Dr. Simonds in the office to discuss nipples.

Both Dr. Langer and Dr. Simonds stand there to discuss nipples with me, while I am sitting on the doctors table with no shirt on.  Dr. Simonds explained that it is a procedure done in the hospital, but not under general anesthesia, just conscious sedation.  I said, 'Oh, versed is the drug they use for that right?'  To which he gave me a 'hmmm are you an addict' weird face.  Oh well :)  So then Dr. Simonds explained to me the choices - he can just cut two flaps of skin and fold them over each other to make a nipple-like protrusion and then tattoo some color on for an areola.  He doesn't seem to like this because he said the nipple flaps of skin have a tendency to go flat after a year or two, then you have to do it again and/or what is the point.  Apparently they have a new thing, where they have a piece of material they can put in there, it is actual flesh material from a pig, about the size and shape of a pellet of rabbit food.  They put that in so the skin can scar around it, and it is more sturdy to hold up over time, but still feels and looks like real flesh.  Then of course still tattoo an areola on around that.

I after a slightly awkward pause of contemplation, I asked Dr. Simonds "Hmm Pig nipples huh?" and he says, "I really do think they look better and will definitely stand up the test of time."  I said, "Well, how big are these implants?  I don't want to look like I have headlights on all the time."  Dr. Simonds says, "Well, you'll be able to cover them up with a bra, but probably not with a wet t-shirt."  At which point, Dr. Langer, who has just been sitting quietly contemplating the conversation bursts out laughing and turns bright red.  Now mind you, she is a breast specialist surgeon.  She has dealt with many many cases and deals only with breasts, all day long.  She says "You're making me blush!"  Haha success!

Anyway, I decided to go with the implants, probably won't do the surgery until later this year with scheduling, etc.  Another small step towards a more normal life/body~

Love,
Amy

The Bucket List - Another one Bites the Dust

Hi Team,

Last Tuesday night I went to visit a friend that is going through a hard time right now.  I was talking to him about what I went through, relating on a few points of difficulty and comparing war stories.  One thing that came up is how difficult it is to keep mental sanity through a really hard time.  There is no straightforward or foolproof way.  Everyone has their own approach and some (myself included at times) feel like there is no good answer.  So, we were comparing notes on techniques that worked/didn't work.  One thing I did other than keeping this blog, was to write a list of things I wanted to do when I felt well enough to do them.  It was partially that I needed something to look forward to and partially just wanting to not forget about things I really want to do once life gets easier.  It's easy to just breeze through life and not make conscious decisions about how we spend our time.  That said, a bucket list is one of those ever changing 'works in progress.'  Before I get to sharing the bucket list item I got to check off my list this week, I wanted to add that it occurred to me before making a bucket list that maybe I shouldn't.  I might have regrets if I don't get to do everything on the list before I actually do die (you never know when that will be, cancer or not).  Well, I made one anyway and discovered that in reality, every time I check something off the list, I add another thing or two (or three).  This list will never be completed.  And I decided that is a really good thing - what would you do if you did finish your bucket list?  Just be done?  'Aaand, done! I win! Now what?'  Maybe a very good thing to die (eventually) with a long bucket list full of things you have checked off and added.  

Hiking Navajo Loop at Bryce Canyon

So, one of the things I added to my bucket list a few years ago was to go see Utah red canyons.  First, I'll be honest and tell you that it started by my watching the movie 127 hours - a guy goes hiking in Utah canyons and gets stuck, has to saw his own arm off to escape.  Now, I was not trying to recreate that by any means, but the landscape depicted in that movie made me interested enough to go watch another documentary on the area and add "visit Utah canyons" to my bucket list.

This past weekend, Monika and I drove 14 hours each way (more with stops, etc) to Bryce Canyon National Park and Zion Canyon.  It was beautiful and crazy, like nothing I've ever seen before.  We camped and hiked and got to see amazing rock formations and have fun adventures through mining towns and Saturday night speedway home-made stock car races.  It was truly beautiful and worth every minute, highly recommend.  My favorite hike (actually two favorites) was the 'Navajo Loop' at Bryce, which took you from the top of the canyon down to the bottom and through some massive rock formations (only about 1.5 miles but some steep climbs).  Second favorite hike of the weekend was the Canyon Overlook Trail at Zion National Park.  It's crazy how Zion and Bryce are about an hour and a half driving away from each other but the rock and formations are so totally different and both stunning.  The Zion Canyon overlook hike was also a little over a mile, but up to the top of the Canyon where you can see a few different mountains and rock formations in the distance.  The view really looked like a green screen backdrop to a movie - surreal.  If I hadn't actually been there myself I totally would have thought my pics were photoshopped (they are not).

The world is so beautiful! - Zion Canyon Overlook

Overall, this felt like a big win - doing something that while I was at my low point, I wrote down as something to look forward to doing when I was able physically and mentally.  Life is good, and even when it's really really crappy, there are things to look forward to - even if they take a while, it's so worth it.

Love,
Amy

No News is Good News

Hi Team,

The last post I made was almost exactly 6 months ago, just a few days after my exchange surgery.  I was feeling down and irritated at a whole slew of things, mostly my once again new breasts not being as big and perky as they had been when I just had the tissue expanders.  My intention was to check back in and provide the cheery update that I had just overreacted and things were just fine, and clearly that hasn't happened yet - I'm not upset about them anymore, but still not thrilled.  From the beginning of finding out that I would have to somehow cut up my boobs, I immediately thought positively, that I was excited to be able to get brand new ones and get what I wanted.  Monika actually said to me at one point, "Amy, you didn't have to get breast cancer just to get a boob job" to which I responded "I did if I wanted to get it covered by insurance!"

In Vegas recently, surprised I
actually did have some cleavage :-D 

That said, over the last 6 months a few things about this whole process became a lot more clear in my mind.  The first thing is that it's really f-ing hard.  Breasts are highly correlated with a woman's femininity and sexuality.  They are right out there on the front of your body for everyone to see.  Nobody's body is perfect and nobody has exactly the boobs they want (with or without surgery), but generally these things develop over time and we have our awkward teenage years to get used to it.  With a mastectomy and reconstruction, you go into surgery and 4 hours later you wake up with an entirely new physical definition of your body, femininity and sexuality and it's a bit of a mental shock to have to adjust.  Sometimes they are stripped of you entirely, and you feel like everyone can tell, and you yourself are shocked and not sure how to emotionally protect yourself, your self-assurance stripped along with your breasts.  Then you have to do it a second time when you have your exchange surgery.  I really don't think it's possible to prepare yourself for what that is like.  No set of expectations would be the right ones - everybody has a different experience and different people are super happy with the outcome, or not, and outcomes vary.  I try to think about how I might have handled the situation better or differently and honestly I don't think I could have.  You make the best decision you can in the moment that you make it.  And in the grand scheme of things, I do have one of the better possible outcomes.  I am cancer free and I have reconstruction.  Some people's bodies just entirely reject implants and/or tissue expanders.  Some breast cancer survivors have been so radiated that their skin won't stretch to handle reconstruction.  I feel grateful for my outcome - but it still doesn't take away the feeling of fighting for my femininity and no being disappointed that after all the shit I had to go through, I didn't get the reward of beautiful perfect boobs.  It is what it is, and I just have to remind myself not to get too selfish.

My overall health has been great lately, for which I am incredibly thankful.  Life has been good, and I have a hard time believing it was really 2 whole years ago that I was going through chemo.  How time flies when things are good.

It's really easy to reflect on your life when things are crappy - sometimes you need to pout and it's definitely good to vent to friends or whoever, just let it out.  But when things are good, don't forget to recognize and savor the moment!  I recently have been reflecting on how happy I am right now overall.  I have an awesome job, wonderful friends and a loving supportive family.  Nobody I love has died recently and there haven't been any major catastrophes lately.  There is always that damn nagging in the back of my mind that whispers to me "enjoy it because those hard times will come back around!  This won't last forever!"  And it's true, but I really do try to take the time as much as possible, even if it's just a minute on my commute to work to stop, just be in my present moment and appreciate.  A video in closing to share with you my fun escapades lately - Took a trip to Bali with some friends and this was a monkey getting really friendly... 

Love, 

Amy   

The Good and The Tough

Hi Team,

Thought I would write a bit about my exchange surgery and the time since then.

The surgery itself was a breeze compared to my mastectomy.  I was in and out in the same day, and I knew the routine.  I made sure to ask for some anti-nausea meds and they gave me plenty of drugs for anxiety, pain, and to knock me out and not have me remember what happened.  My mom said, an hour and a half after I went in, my surgeon came looking for her.  She said "You're done already?!" he said "Nah, I just thought I'd come hang out with you."  So yes, he finished quickly, said I did great, and I'm going to be so happy with the results.  I walked out of the hospital.  I definitely have some pain and exhaustion, but nothing like the pain and exhaustion after a mastectomy.

On to my emotional state... I wanted to write a post today just to remember how I'm feeling, because I know with time this will improve, but I don't want to give the illusion that it's all a breeze.  Let's go back to the year 2002, Ten years ago.  I was a senior in college and I had beautiful, nice long hair, and I decided to do something good, and donate it to locks of love, letting them cut off 10 inches.  It felt good until I first looked in the mirror and felt horrified, ran crying to my friends and boyfriend and hid in my apartment for days.  Now in retrospect, that was very silly, the hair didn't look all that bad (hey I HAD hair!) and with a week or two it grew back to looking like a cute pixie cut.  Granted boobs don't grow back (at least not at my age), but I will adjust to how they look and feel, but today, I feel like that 21 year old sobbing and wanting to hide in my apartment.

My tissue expanders, while they were rock solid and didn't feel anything like boobs, looked big and perky and fun.  Now only 3 days later, my soft boobs look flat and droopy.  What happened?!  I got silicone implants, so they are nice and soft and boob-feeling, but the are at least a full cup size looking smaller and just lower on my chest.  I was sobbing this afternoon because I was so disappointed!  My stream of consciousness immediately chastises me for feeling disappointed about boobs - a) I'm lucky to have any and b) I am still alive, what the hell am I doing complaining about boobs.  But honestly, it's a really hard adjustment.  I feel like my body is not mine, a LOT of people don't get the fact that I don't have a say in what they look like really.  I can state an opinion but this is not an exact science, and really it's up to how my body reacts to stretching muscle and skin and holding scar tissue in place.  I can't just order them from a catalogue and make sure I have a good return policy.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm being harder on myself than I need to be, and as we all do, I have this constant push and pull of logic and emotion.  Today I'm just going to let the emotion win and be sad that I'm disappointed that they are not as perky and big as my tissue expanders were.  Eventually over time I'll let my logic influence my emotion to feel better about it.  But for now, this sucks and it's a really hard adjustment.  Again.

Love,
Amy

Surgery Update

Hey folks, this is Monika.

Amy is out of surgery. Report from mom is that doctors said everything went really well and they're hanging out in recovery now. She'll be sleeping at home tonight and will probably update you guys herself in the next couple of days when she has some energy.

From me, thanks so much to everyone who has offered so much love and support. In six weeks Amy will be able to start going back to all of her normal activities again, with more natural boobs, and knowing all this is behind her. On to better things :)

New Year, New Boobs

Hi Team,

As I prepare myself for another surgery, I am reminded that although it feels like I've started a new chapter in my life, the chapter I've written about in this blog is still very much a part of me.  'Another Surgery?' you ask,  Yes, let me explain.

Back in Sept. 2010, after I had just finished chemo, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.  Reconstruction after a mastectomy is very different than just getting a normal boob job.  With normal breast augmentation, they will put the implant under the breast tissue, lifting it up and making it bigger.  With a mastectomy, there is no more breast tissue, and it is too exposed to just put the implant underneath your skin.  So, they put the implant under your pectoral muscle.  They can't usually put a full breast-sized implant under the pectoral muscle because there isn't room for it.  So, they put a temporary tissue expander in which they fill with a little more saline over the months, stretching out the muscle until you look like you have a regular-sized boob. Think about those 'pump it up' reebok shoes in the 80s.  This 'boob' though, is made out of an industrial grade plastic that has a hard port (where they inject more saline).  It may look normal with clothes on, but if you feel it or look at it underneath, it doesn't budge or feel a bit like a boob.  So there is another surgery after you are all done with the expansion, where they open up your original incisions and take out the temporary tissue expanders, replacing them with more realistic boob-like implants.

That's the summary, and I'm having it done this upcoming Friday.  I'll be under general anesthesia and the surgery is supposed to be 3-4 hours long, but no overnight stay in the hospital.  I'm not supposed to do anything that will get me sweaty or extend my upper body for 6 weeks afterward.

I am kind of nervous about this surgery.  Not because I'm afraid of the pain or waking up, recovery, etc.  But because I have to say that emotionally, getting over the challenge of being bald, being dumped, getting boobs cut off and having to get them slowly rebuilt over time was really challenging, and thinking about going back for another surgery brings me back to that time pretty clearly.  I was an emotional, hormonal ball of wreckage at the time, but that was a long time ago now.  It's odd because anyone that I have just met that I tell I went through cancer treatment usually immediately thinks that I am a strong confident woman and since I kicked cancer's butt, I probably have this sense of full self-confidence.  I wish I felt that way, and sometimes I do, but I feel like that is something that comes much more gradually over time.  The process of getting used to my new body, dating and talking to people about what I've been through and how my body is different, is nerve wrecking at first.  For a long time I was much more sensitive to people's reactions because I wasn't yet confident in my own skin.  Especially when going on dates, there really is no good point in conversation with a new person to bring up, 'oh yeah, I had cancer, got my boobs cut off, don't have nipples now, but you know, I survived.'  Maybe it's just in my mind, but I feel like that experience is intimidating to most people my age, they can't relate to it, and it immediately may have the reaction of admiration, but also creates distance.  

Anyway, dating aside, I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel as self conscious about my body, I don't feel like I'm hiding anything anymore.  I've started to get more comfortable in my (new) skin, and have the attitude that 'this is me', take it or leave it.  And now I'm going to make another change, restart the adjustment and getting used to it all.

A good friend of mine made a great point though, that this is not like last time.  I have all the experiences I've gone through since then, the surgery isn't as invasive and I've rebuilt a new and happy life since then.  I know it will be fine and it's not the same, but it still brings me back to a time that was really not so happy, and makes me nervous about what will be the outcome.  You never know - as my surgeon explained to me last Wednesday, the risk is ~ if there is any bacteria on the implant when they put it in, if it gets infected they have to take it out entirely for at least 6 months (meaning no reconstruction whatsoever) and then possibly restart.  It's not a likely situation, but it's possible.  I try not to think about that since there are always the 'what ifs' but I also try not to get any expectations of what I will look like in my head until after it's been successful.  

 So anyway, this post is getting a bit long so I'll leave you with that.  I'll make sure to update everyone and post more later about life and the new year (which incidentally are going great).

Love,
Amy

Bacon = Mindfulness

Hi Team,

Many of you have asked me about the Mindfulness class I'm starting to take, so I decided to write a post (or maybe a few as this progresses) about how this is going, and what exactly it is from my perspective.

I really like the description on their website - "Through lectures, exercises and group discussions participants learn how habitual reactions to stress create anxiety, depression, fear, anger and possibly illness. Students learn how to change their reactions by bringing awareness to the arising mental thoughts or emotional feelings in a non-judgmental way."

Keep in mind this is my journey through learning about this and in no way am I an expert on anything I write in here, blah blah blah disclaimer.  Ok.  So as I understand it, mindfulness is the practice of clearing away all the clutter in your brain, that constant stream of consciousness and chatter that goes on.  This tendency is in everyone, and is part of our natural human-ness so there is not the goal of making it go away, but rather the practice of recognizing it, acknowledging it, and choosing to be aware of your present moment.  The goal specifically having to do with trauma (physical, mental, emotional) is not to make the pain go away, but rather to allow us to sit with it in a non-judgemental way, and approach thoughts as just that - thoughts.  Every time something enters your mind such as "this sucks" or "I'm bored" or "I'm in so much pain I can't stand it" or "My life is never going to be the same", you recognize it, consider it a thought, and let it pass.  Then you approach the next moment as a new beginning. 

My first thought on this practice is that it sounds great in theory, but I am doubtful that I have enough self control to recognize these judgements in the moment.  Sure when I'm sitting on the floor in a quiet room and someone is telling me to be aware of the present moment, it's quite easy.  When I'm rushing around my daily life, realistically, I don't see myself being that self-aware.  So that's a thought, and something to consider, but I let it pass and then just sit in my present moment and appreciate right now.  See how that works?  :-D

What I really liked about this particular teacher and look forward to in this class is that she is going to take us through a number of different meditation techniques and teach us different ways to practice.  She says everyone is different and different things will stick depending on what works for you.  What I especially like is that she talked about recognizing that sitting on the floor meditating for 30-45 mins a day is not realistic for most people.  The mindfulness she teaches is a practice that can be done in any moment that you are able to bring yourself into the present and be aware.  For example, one woman in a past class dedicated the moment that she came home from work to give her child a hug as her mindful moment.  Another person had to commute across the golden gate bridge and really enjoyed that part of her drive, and dedicated that time while she was driving across the golden gate bridge as her mindful moment out of her day.  A moment to just be there, fully take in your environment and be still.  The hope is that over time and with trying different things, each of us will find something that works for us, to bring a mindfulness practice into our lives.

Our homework for this past week was about mindful eating.  We did an exercise in class where we ate a raisin.  Something most of us have eaten so many times, yet we usually pop it in (maybe a handful?), chew a few times and swallow.  We practiced actually looking at the raisin, noticing the color, shape, ridges, texture.  Putting it in your mouth and really feeling the body's reaction to it - how does it taste?  Does it taste different on one side than the other? Chew it slowly and see how the taste and the texture change.  Do you tend to chew more on one side than the other?  What happens as you keep chewing it without swallowing as we usually do so quickly?  The homework was to have just one mindful bite each day.  We all eat, at least a meal or two (or in my case sometimes many more) every day.  One bite.  Notice it, take it slow and just pay attention to it.  I made my first bite bacon.  It was salty, crispy, fatty and delicious.  Makes me salivate and melts in my mouth.  I had the thought that I really should not be eating bacon, and then I let that pass as a judgement.  It was great.

That's all for now - I look forward to any of your thoughts on this journey!  I'm hoping that once I learn to clear away the clutter in my mind (of course, done once and for all just like doing dishes), I can spread that more into clearing clutter from my apartment too.  We'll see how that goes.  It's the journey of a lifetime I suppose.

Love,
Amy

Just Another Day

Hi Team,

So tomorrow is really just another day.  But it's also a year to the day since my double mastectomy and, while we are marking milestones, 5 years to the day since I got engaged (and then broke it off 9 mos later).  I'm kind of thinking I might want to call in sick tomorrow and just stay in bed to make sure nothing exciting happens. 

I've been noticing on a regular basis lately how much I love my life.  I figure one of the benefits of having gone through really tough times is being able to truly appreciate the really good times and I'm definitely doing that.  It's amazing what a difference a year can make.  I do work a lot, but I also have a lot of fun.  I spend time with people I love and I smile a lot.  As much as possible. 

I have been venturing lately into the world of dating again.  I figure it's been over a year since my last relationship ended so I should probably at least put myself out there again.  And to my surprise, it's been fun and interesting.  I've mostly so far been doing a field test with online dating, I signed up for both ok cupid and eharmony just to juxtopose and compare the two.  I've been on a few dates but overall I've made the following observations:  1.  No matter how many I have, first dates will always make me nervous 2. There are more fishes in the sea than I originally thought, but you can't judge a fish by it's online dating profile  3.  There is no right time to tell a guy you are getting to know that you had cancer.   This is an interesting one.  I have yet to be... let's say, "intimate" with a guy that wasn't with me before my surgery.  At what point do you break into the conversation and say... "Oh Yeah, I've been to the hospital too, I had cancer and got my boobs cut off.  Oh yeah, these?  They're fake, yeah I don't have nipples anymore, just scars.  I know!  You can't tell from the outside".  No!  It's just not something that people can relate to at my age.

I realize it's probably all in my head and as soon as I stop making it a big deal, it will stop being this awkward thing I can't talk about with guys I am attracted to... but yeah I certainly haven't figured that one out.  I guess that's why I need practice! 

On the bright side, tomorrow I am starting a Mindfulness course.  In the brief couple of months that I was actually seeing a therapist last year, she introduced me to the concept of Mindfulness.  This is the practice of being present in your current moment and aware in your being, just observing with an open mind and soft heart.  It's a lot more difficult than we might think.  So often we get caught up in the incessant chatter of our stream of consciousness and don't stop to just be.  It takes practice.  So, for the next 8 weeks every Thursday night from 7-9pm I will be practicing.  Wish me luck!

Just for comparison sake and a reminder what a difference a year can make (if I didn't know I might not guess I was the same person... or am I... ):

Last Year - Aug. 2010

This Year - Aug. 2011

Love,
Amy

Port-less!

Hi Team,

I felt a bit melodramatic after posting that last post, as it actually is a fairly routine procedure, and everything went just fine.  Although I have to say, it didn't hurt that I took a few valium.

So I went into the Dr.'s office and they cleaned the area and gave me a few local anesthesia shots in my chest near my port (you know, like when you get a filling in your tooth) and then chiseled away at it for a while - 2 hours exactly, to get it out.  She said my body had quite taken a liking to the thing, since normally it only takes a half hour to take out - and normally only one incision but she had to make two, one where the port was and one near my jugular vein to pull it out of the vein.  But all in all, not bad.  I got to hear all about my surgeon's recent trip to the south of France and her restaurant recommendations for my upcoming trip to Chicago.  Overall quite a nice chat, although I would have preferred that we do it over a glass of wine than with me on an operating table. 

I did, on the suggestion of one of my friends, ask if I could take it home.  She said no, they have to send it back somewhere since it's a medical device.  I told her, I wanted to used it as a paperweight.  To which she said, it's not really heavy enough for that.  I told her I don't really  use that much paper, working at an internet company.  She said, it would probably be better to make a bracelet out of it.  What a great suggestion!  Anyway, I didn't get it - but I did get a picture of it!  This is the actual port that was in my body, giving me all that chemo and herceptin treatments.  Whew.  So, I am now port-less.  Yay!

Love,

Amy