The week after

Hi Team,

Although I wanted to leave my wonderful news up as my top post for a while, thought it might be time for another update. Over the last week, every day has been better in terms of how I feel physically. I still have to keep gauze covering my inscisions - and I seem to have a lot of them, 5 total. I have to wear a compression bra at all times - a sports bra that clasps in the front to keep my implants from moving around while my body creates scar tissue around them. Most of the time it's just soreness all over my front. My reaching ability/range of motion is very difficult, feels like the muscles in my arms haven't been stretched out for months. So, working on the arm stretches. The worst of it physically has been that every night at least once I wake up with really bad cramps in my pectoral muscles, feeling like charlie horses. I just have to breathe through it and try to stretch my arm out to stop the cramping. I'm hoping this goes away as my body gets used to having plastic things under my muscle, but we'll see. Maybe I'll just have to ask for more valium from my plastic surgeon.

Emotionally it's been a lot harder. For some reason I've been able to keep my shit together pretty well for the last months, despite having gone through menopause (haven't had a period since April but stopped the shots that force that on 8/3... maybe I'll get it back, maybe I won't), despite being exhausted from chemo and stuck in a tiny apartment for almost 6 months, I have kept my shit together. Lately not so well. I think I just stacked two more major things on top of everything, so now, being bald, getting my boobs cut off and being dumped 5 days before my surgery was just all too much for me. I cry every day. I've never been that big of a crier, but for some reason, I just can't hold it in anymore. I look in the mirror and although I know I love myself, I haven't been able to do any of the things I love, I don't recognize myself with my lack of hair and boobs, and being dumped with that kind of timing really took a toll on my self esteem. It took away a major source of comfort and knowing I was loved at a time when I really needed it. Of course I get a lot of comfort from my friends and family, but knowing your man loves you is a different kind of comfort, and having that taken away at a time when so many changes are happening to me physically and emotionally is very hard. I know that beauty comes from within but I just feel a really really constant deep sadness and loss. For my body, for my relationship, and just for the future life I thought I was going to live. I know I will come around and already am at times excited about the possibilities ahead of me, but right now a lot of the time, I am mostly sad for my all my losses.

All that said, a lot of you have been asking for updates on how my hair is looking - it is growing back a little now, and as Sandra (Anthony's daughter) said last time I showed her my blog "it's all words!" (with distain). So, making sure to have some fun pics this time:



















And at least our late summer has finally arrived in San Francisco, so spent the day at the park with mom and friend Marielle on Saturday, us at Chrissy Field (and me still bandaged but with the wonders of a padded push up bra creating some illusions):

And last but not least, some comic relief because I sure could use some in my life right now - we went to the bathroom near the park at Grace Cathedral on the top of Nob Hill yesterday and these signs were on the exit doors - does anyone know which door we should use?? :)

















Love,
Amy