More Introspection and Fun

Hi Team,

I have 2 more weeks before I return to work after about 6 months on disability and I am trying to make the most of it. I of course, still have Dr appointments - follow ups, checkups, etc at least once or twice a week but also trying to fit in as many things as we can think of to uplift my overall mood and get mom out and about in the bay area. She goes home Oct. 12th!

This past week I had follow ups with both my plastic surgeon and my oncologist. The PS I have still not quite got his sense of humor or demeanor pinned down, it's hard to in 30 minute office visits, but for example, mom asked him "So, is Amy cleared to drive now?," to which he answered "Well, could she drive before her surgery?" Ha. (Yes I am allowed to drive now). Dad likened it to the Dr. office joke where you ask, 'So doctor, should I be able to play the piano now?' ('yes that will be fine') 'Great because I never could before.' What a joker. But seriously, it gets a little frustrating because it seems more like a social visit than a session where I can get information. But, just trying to go with the flow - looks like my incisions from my surgery are healing well, there are still steri-strips over the incisions but I'm supposed to just leave them there until they fall off. He said the placement of the tissue expanders looks/feels good and we will start expanding them the next time I come in the office.

My oncologist on the other hand gave me a big hug and reviewed my post-surgery pathology report with me: No cancer found in lymph nodes, no cancer found in breast tissue, only signs of dead cancer cells, nothing left alive. He said, you can never know 100%, but this is about the closest we could have come. (big hug) I'm sure he doesn't get to give that news very often. The next steps for me are to continue my herceptin IV treatments every 3 weeks until next April, and this week I got started on tamoxifen, which I will be taking for the next 5 years. The type of cancer I had grew with the feeding of estrogen and HER2 which is a protein. The herceptin blocks any cells from being fed HER2 proteins and the tamoxifen will block estrogen from certain types of cells so that my type of cancer couldn't grow. Now, you are probably wondering, as I asked my oncologist - ok, I have been given a clean bill of health, and I have no more breast tissue, is it really necessary to do these ongoing treatments? He said, we never know 100% - it is possible that a cancer cell could have gotten through the chest wall and into any part of my body even though we didn't see any signs of it in the surgery. These treatments will just sweep the body and make sure that if there is any single breast cancer cell left in there, it will wipe it out. We all laughed at my analogy - it's like packing up your suitcase at your hotel room and then doing a final sweep to make sure you didn't leave anything valuable under the bed or in a drawer.

I still wake up every day with a feeling of really deep sadness and loss. I really think my all-clear news for my cancer maybe allowed my mind to take a step back and say, ok, we're not fighting a life-threatening disease now, so now all this other mental/emotional shit that was inside me is coming out. The good thing is, I called Kaiser and they set me up with a therapist to help me work through my feelings of loss, lack of self esteem, and anger about how and when my relationship ended. They scheduled me an appointment 2 weeks from when I called but told me if I have any thoughts of suicide creeping in, please call back (hmm, that's what I have to say? Can I have an appt now if I say that?) Lol. Anyway, that will start for me next week.

Mom and I have been talking a lot, introspection on my life and just looking back. I have a little bit of an "of course" attitude about what's happened to me, not self-pity, but I was just looking at my life going, of course I would be in the .005% who get this kind of breast cancer at my age. I am also that person whose best friend died in a freak car accident in college and had my 2 closest grandparents die and an uncle (close, whom I had lived with) die in a freak scuba diving accident all within 6 months. I am the girl who got engaged and then was shocked to find out my (ex) fiance didn't want that after all and had to say "just kidding" to all the save the dates we had sent out. So it makes sense that I would also be that girl that got breast cancer at 28, and dumped by another 3 and a half year relationship right in the thick of my pain and challenges. But my mom made an excellent point, which ended my little pity-party right quick. I am also the girl who made my way from a poor upbringing on a small island to go to a great college, work in Washington DC for a summer, get a job right out of school for a good company in a big city, make it financially on my own in the city - I am the girl who hiked the Inca Trail to Macchu Picchu and planned and did my trip to Vietnam, saw Angkor Wat in Cambodia and the beaches in Thailand. I am the girl who has parents who are still together and love each other, and are still around to help support me. I am the girl with some really dedicated friends who know me to the core and help lift me up when I am not able to. I am the girl who gets the totally clean pathology report after chemo and surgery, where that was not a likely situation either.

My point is- yes life has it's challenges, and I've had my fair share of them for my age, but I've also gotten to have my fair share of blessings (not without a lot of hard work on my part) and I don't regret any of it. I have an interesting story, that's for sure, but I am extremely deeply grateful that this is my story. Grateful that my story has excitement and yes pain, but also a lot of successes, love and joy. And I know and expect that life cycles through in this way. You have times of fun and joy, and there are times of pain and sadness, and either one will come back around eventually, but I have to just appreciate and feel deeply the joy when I am in that side of the cycle and when I am in the harder part, just have faith that if I take it one day at a time, the joy and happiness will come back into my life.

To add some pictures, because what good post doesn't have at least one pic- Mom and I took a little mini-road trip down hwy one just to Half Moon Bay and stopped at some of the beaches along the way. My full album is on facebook, but here are a few pics to share. The first picture was one of my favorites because of the juxtaposition of the dead weeds in the foreground to the beautiful beach and cliffs in the background. Sometimes our lives feel like this, but we just have to look a little further to see the beauty.

Love,

Amy