Back to the Real World

Hi Team,

I start work on Monday. That's tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous about it because I am the type of person to just throw myself into my work and do my damndest to over achieve and make sure I am exceeding everyone's (including my own) expectations. I tend to be pretty hard on myself if I don't. There is some trite quote somewhere about 'you are your toughest critic,' but looking back on my life, man, I have been a really tough critic on myself. Now, I'm sounding harsh about it right now, but I don't regret all the work and expectations I've put on myself, it's gotten me to where I am now, and I really like where I am. That said, one of my Main (notice caps, "important here") life lessons I am going to take away from this whole experience is... drumroll... TREAT YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS AND PATIENCE.

Now of course everyone thinks, yes of course you need to do that... but at least for me, it's not nearly as easy as it sounds. I have this internal voice that has been telling me for 28 years to push myself to the limit and beyond. I am not saying that I won't do that anymore, I just think there is more of a balance to be found in life. Push yourself to excel, but when things aren't happening like you expected, you go with the flow and be kind to yourself. In order to get through chemo, one of the things that is necessary is the ability to have faith that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it or feel it yet. This requires quite a lot of patience, and what we tell ourselves in our mind is key to that. I am working on a more disciplined voice to myself, one that is loving, kind and patient, but still striving for the best in life. It's a work in progress.

Back to the original topic, work on Monday! I am nervous because I work in retail and if you haven't noticed already, holiday season is upon us in retail! This means crazy hectic work days that are filled with everyone stressing out to make sure this product or that purchase order arrives in time for the sales, we are priced right, and hopefully can make some money at the whole ordeal. Being in an online business and one that deals with many manufacturers means daily (if not hourly) analysis and moving based on how sales are going, changing plans, changing deals, and moving mountains to get it all done on a daily basis. This is a bit intimidating to me as I have been protecting my mind and body from too harsh of an environment for a while now, in the interest of healing and feeling happiness, and I'm not sure how this is going to go. Thus my new mantra, be kind and patient with yourself (perhaps I should add, "and others").

I also wanted to share just a quick road trip that Mom and I did on her last full day here last Monday. We had previously driven down Hwy 1 (Pacific Coast Highway) south almost to Half Moon Bay, so this time we decided to venture north. She was interested in seeing Muir Woods, which is just north of San Francisco bay and known for its beautiful and ancient foliage and huge trees. Unfortunately, the parking lot was full and people parked all the way down the hwy just to pay to get into the forest to see the trees. We joked that they truly had paved paradise and put up a parking lot - and we still didn't have enough parking to pay to see the trees. So, we kept driving and visited Muir Beach and Stinson Beach along Hwy. 1. It was a beautiful drive, and we found a bench to sit on just above Muir Beach that I want to come visit more often.

Some of you have asked "How are you feeling?" So, lest I not forget this is still quite a strain on my body, I will address that question. I have great energy lately, amazing how easy it is to forget the strain and difficulty chemo puts on both your mental and physical energy. I am so glad to have that back! A few things I can tell though, since starting to take tamoxifen, I definitely have far more achey joints, stiffness, and if I am not kind to my body, I also feel a constant anxiety or "on edge" feeling. Now, I attribute some of the "on edge" feeling to the tamoxifen because it's an estrogen blocker, but I'm hoping that it's also a function of the fact that I'm in a huge transition phase right now, and working on just having a stable, calm life for a little while. Also, let's not forget that I now have these big peices of plastic underneath my pectoral muscles. It's the weirdest feeling. Feels like your muscle is always tight and needing to be stretched out. It's not nearly as tight or sore as it was at first anymore, but still can't move around without feeling it pull on the muscles. I still have to be careful not to lift anything too heavy or make any weird sudden movements that could pull or tear my pectoral muscle. My first fill for the implants is on Wednesday, so should be interesting to see how my body responds to that. I've got lots of valium for muscle cramping so hopefully that will help the process.

The progress on the hair is coming along nicely - it now looks like a really short, slightly fuzzy cut, and I think I've finally gotten past the point of looking like I'm sick or there's something wrong with me. I had a moment of progress on my self-esteem the other day. I was at a happy hour and a new freind of a friend complimented me on my haircut. I simply said "Thank you" and let her assume it was just bold and different instead of going on to explain to her about how I don't like it and had to go through chemo to get it. I just let her assume that I'm that boldy/funky chick with the cool super short haircut. Yep! That's me! :)

Love,

Amy