Back to Work and Finding Balance

Hi Team,

My first week back at work, done! This week has been exhausting, but good. It's nice to get back into a rhythm of going to work and feeling like I'm accomplishing stuff during the day. Every night this week I've come home and just hit the pillow and crashed. My body is exhausted, but I can tell each day it gets less tiring. It is amazing to me how much being mentally engaged all day long takes a physical toll on your body. I reminded myself mid-week that it's a good feeling, because it means I'm using my brain rather than just letting it sit there and fizzle out. Like going to the gym, eventually it will get easier as my brain gets back into shape.

That said, I've felt a weird off-kilter feeling this week, where I'm going back to work, and a lot of things are pretty similar to how it was when I left, but I feel totally different. I recognize that what I've gone through has affected me in a major way and I could easily get sucked back into my daily life just as it was pre-cancer, but I don't want to. I want to honor what I've gone through and live my life with different perspective. It's a tricky balance, and I am working on maintaining consistency in slowing down enough at least once a day to recognize how I am spending my mental and physical energy, and making sure that it's spend where I feel it is most valuable and important.

I had my first fill on my tissue expanders this week, wasn't nearly as painful as I expected it to be - mostly felt like the muscle was just really tight. When I first had my surgery and came home, I had a lot of muscle pain and cramping, similar to a charlie-horse type of feeling. I was anticipating this again with the expansions, but at least with this time, I didn't have that. There is some soreness, but mostly feels like muscle tightness. Also, my plastic surgery nurse I learned has gone through this whole process herself in the last two years, and she was Fantastic at helping me learn more about the process and describing exactly what it felt like to her, etc. She even pulled out a spare tissue expander she had lying around the office to show me what it looks like. I found a pic on the manufacturer's website to show you guys what they look like. This piece of plastic is placed under the pectoral muscle, and the grey spot in the middle is the port where they can inject more saline to stretch out the expander and the muscle & skin covering it. Technology is amazing!

I recently was going through all my computer files I've been keeping through this whole process and found something I had forgotten about - a file I wrote the day I first got diagnosed. I labeled it "my fears" and it was literally just a journal entry listing all my fears and "what-ifs" - and this was before I knew I would have to get chemo, surgery, etc. All I knew was that I had a lump and it was cancerous. Looking over this journal entry today, I realized that MANY of these fears came true. Some of them didn't - I'm still alive, I still have a good job, and many reliable friends and family - but I've lost a lot through the process, and gone through a lot that I was terrified to do.

Facing my fears and being on the downward side of this roller coaster makes me feel more exhilarated - I faced my fears by no choice of mine and I am ok. It's a weird feeling of freedom, being released from anxiety when many of your fears come true and you're still alive and ok. If the next time or the time after that or just eventually, I die from it, then I know I lived facing those fears and living life the fullest I possibly could, and showing the people that are important to me that I love them. That's the best you can do. Life doesn't last forever, and it's easy to forget. Fears are not so scary when you remember that everyone is going to die at some point. Is that morbid? I don't feel morbid when I say that - to me it feels like a renewed sense of freedom.

My hair is starting to grow back in and look more full - pics are from just before work I think this past Tuesday. It feels incredibly soft, like baby hair. I love it.

Love,

Amy