A New Page Turned

Hi Team,

Mom went home today. Watching her walk into the airport with her bags, I flashed back in a moment of panic to the same 5 year old me in kindergarden, screaming inside - Wait mom!! Don't leave me here by myself! Who are these people and how will I know if I'm going to be ok?! When are you coming back to get me?!? Can I go with you?? Please??! ... breathe... breathe...

It was a challenge living in a tiny SF apartment with the both of us, her on my couch the whole time, but I already miss her. It's so quiet here now! It was so nice to have your mom when you're sick, helping me, making me tea and making me smile when I just felt as shitty as I possibly could - and when I was feeling ok, mom and I are good friends, so she was a great co-explorer. It's weird being used to having someone around all the time, and knowing they are gone now. Good to move on to the next transition, but sad all the same. Four months was a long time for her to be away and I'm sure all the Kona crew (especially my dad) will be glad to have her back.

I knew at some point there would be some anxiety to going back to "regular" life - I thought it would be when I went back to work (next Monday already!), but it definitely started today. The thought of "shit, I'm all on my own now" nobody here to help me reach something or look at a weird scar or (insert quazi-emergency medical crisis here) and analyze to help determine the severity with me. I can do it, I have no other choice, but I wonder how many women go through this and actually live alone with no parent or significant other. I guess I just need to be thankful for not being a single parent and going through something like this with kids to take care of on top of it all.

Started going to a therapist today at Kaiser, felt a little strange to me as she seemed to want to just make sure I wasn't in need of any *more* medications, but I assured her I had all the Ativan, Valium, Tylenol PM, etc etc you could want at home. Then she seemed to be unsure about my being ready to go back to work and I reassured her that it would be healthy for me to have something to focus my mental energy on, and hopefully have some successes. Actually, I spent a lot of time reassuring her rather than vice-versa... not sure if she will actually be helping me sort out all the emotional bullshit that comes along with what I've gone through, but someone's got to... so thank you in advance to all my close friends. Thank you all for not charging me what a therapist would for your time. I feel like I have a bit of PTSD, I still have weird violent crime dreams and moments (days?) where I just totally lose control of the crying. At least if I say I have PTSD, that implies that my trauma is over right? Post-trauma? That's progress...

Still am getting used to trying to embrace my new look, which is changing every day - hair is somewhat filled in although still looking like a buzz cut, boobs... well, those are going to have to be a work in progress for quite some time before we're done with reconstruction. They say the whole process takes 6-9 months depending on how much I can take with my fills each time, and how big I want to/can go. Then I can have my exchange surgery, where they go in through the same incisions and switch out my tissue expanders for permenant implants. It will take a while.

I want to put all this behind me, but I have to be kind to myself and remember that you don't just go through a life-threatening diagnosis, chemo, losing your boobs, hair and boyfriend, and just put it behind you. It's all life changing in so many ways. I need to honor that more mentally now that I can stop holding it all in so I can just be in survival mode. Being in survival mode for 5 months is super hard to let out down from - feels like a swirly combination of panic, relief, anger and feeling lost, not knowing what to do next. I'm sure it will progress into something more constructive (at least that's my hope)... but again, a work in progress, such is life.

Love,
Amy