Back to Work and Finding Balance

Hi Team,

My first week back at work, done! This week has been exhausting, but good. It's nice to get back into a rhythm of going to work and feeling like I'm accomplishing stuff during the day. Every night this week I've come home and just hit the pillow and crashed. My body is exhausted, but I can tell each day it gets less tiring. It is amazing to me how much being mentally engaged all day long takes a physical toll on your body. I reminded myself mid-week that it's a good feeling, because it means I'm using my brain rather than just letting it sit there and fizzle out. Like going to the gym, eventually it will get easier as my brain gets back into shape.

That said, I've felt a weird off-kilter feeling this week, where I'm going back to work, and a lot of things are pretty similar to how it was when I left, but I feel totally different. I recognize that what I've gone through has affected me in a major way and I could easily get sucked back into my daily life just as it was pre-cancer, but I don't want to. I want to honor what I've gone through and live my life with different perspective. It's a tricky balance, and I am working on maintaining consistency in slowing down enough at least once a day to recognize how I am spending my mental and physical energy, and making sure that it's spend where I feel it is most valuable and important.

I had my first fill on my tissue expanders this week, wasn't nearly as painful as I expected it to be - mostly felt like the muscle was just really tight. When I first had my surgery and came home, I had a lot of muscle pain and cramping, similar to a charlie-horse type of feeling. I was anticipating this again with the expansions, but at least with this time, I didn't have that. There is some soreness, but mostly feels like muscle tightness. Also, my plastic surgery nurse I learned has gone through this whole process herself in the last two years, and she was Fantastic at helping me learn more about the process and describing exactly what it felt like to her, etc. She even pulled out a spare tissue expander she had lying around the office to show me what it looks like. I found a pic on the manufacturer's website to show you guys what they look like. This piece of plastic is placed under the pectoral muscle, and the grey spot in the middle is the port where they can inject more saline to stretch out the expander and the muscle & skin covering it. Technology is amazing!

I recently was going through all my computer files I've been keeping through this whole process and found something I had forgotten about - a file I wrote the day I first got diagnosed. I labeled it "my fears" and it was literally just a journal entry listing all my fears and "what-ifs" - and this was before I knew I would have to get chemo, surgery, etc. All I knew was that I had a lump and it was cancerous. Looking over this journal entry today, I realized that MANY of these fears came true. Some of them didn't - I'm still alive, I still have a good job, and many reliable friends and family - but I've lost a lot through the process, and gone through a lot that I was terrified to do.

Facing my fears and being on the downward side of this roller coaster makes me feel more exhilarated - I faced my fears by no choice of mine and I am ok. It's a weird feeling of freedom, being released from anxiety when many of your fears come true and you're still alive and ok. If the next time or the time after that or just eventually, I die from it, then I know I lived facing those fears and living life the fullest I possibly could, and showing the people that are important to me that I love them. That's the best you can do. Life doesn't last forever, and it's easy to forget. Fears are not so scary when you remember that everyone is going to die at some point. Is that morbid? I don't feel morbid when I say that - to me it feels like a renewed sense of freedom.

My hair is starting to grow back in and look more full - pics are from just before work I think this past Tuesday. It feels incredibly soft, like baby hair. I love it.

Love,

Amy

Back to the Real World

Hi Team,

I start work on Monday. That's tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous about it because I am the type of person to just throw myself into my work and do my damndest to over achieve and make sure I am exceeding everyone's (including my own) expectations. I tend to be pretty hard on myself if I don't. There is some trite quote somewhere about 'you are your toughest critic,' but looking back on my life, man, I have been a really tough critic on myself. Now, I'm sounding harsh about it right now, but I don't regret all the work and expectations I've put on myself, it's gotten me to where I am now, and I really like where I am. That said, one of my Main (notice caps, "important here") life lessons I am going to take away from this whole experience is... drumroll... TREAT YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS AND PATIENCE.

Now of course everyone thinks, yes of course you need to do that... but at least for me, it's not nearly as easy as it sounds. I have this internal voice that has been telling me for 28 years to push myself to the limit and beyond. I am not saying that I won't do that anymore, I just think there is more of a balance to be found in life. Push yourself to excel, but when things aren't happening like you expected, you go with the flow and be kind to yourself. In order to get through chemo, one of the things that is necessary is the ability to have faith that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it or feel it yet. This requires quite a lot of patience, and what we tell ourselves in our mind is key to that. I am working on a more disciplined voice to myself, one that is loving, kind and patient, but still striving for the best in life. It's a work in progress.

Back to the original topic, work on Monday! I am nervous because I work in retail and if you haven't noticed already, holiday season is upon us in retail! This means crazy hectic work days that are filled with everyone stressing out to make sure this product or that purchase order arrives in time for the sales, we are priced right, and hopefully can make some money at the whole ordeal. Being in an online business and one that deals with many manufacturers means daily (if not hourly) analysis and moving based on how sales are going, changing plans, changing deals, and moving mountains to get it all done on a daily basis. This is a bit intimidating to me as I have been protecting my mind and body from too harsh of an environment for a while now, in the interest of healing and feeling happiness, and I'm not sure how this is going to go. Thus my new mantra, be kind and patient with yourself (perhaps I should add, "and others").

I also wanted to share just a quick road trip that Mom and I did on her last full day here last Monday. We had previously driven down Hwy 1 (Pacific Coast Highway) south almost to Half Moon Bay, so this time we decided to venture north. She was interested in seeing Muir Woods, which is just north of San Francisco bay and known for its beautiful and ancient foliage and huge trees. Unfortunately, the parking lot was full and people parked all the way down the hwy just to pay to get into the forest to see the trees. We joked that they truly had paved paradise and put up a parking lot - and we still didn't have enough parking to pay to see the trees. So, we kept driving and visited Muir Beach and Stinson Beach along Hwy. 1. It was a beautiful drive, and we found a bench to sit on just above Muir Beach that I want to come visit more often.

Some of you have asked "How are you feeling?" So, lest I not forget this is still quite a strain on my body, I will address that question. I have great energy lately, amazing how easy it is to forget the strain and difficulty chemo puts on both your mental and physical energy. I am so glad to have that back! A few things I can tell though, since starting to take tamoxifen, I definitely have far more achey joints, stiffness, and if I am not kind to my body, I also feel a constant anxiety or "on edge" feeling. Now, I attribute some of the "on edge" feeling to the tamoxifen because it's an estrogen blocker, but I'm hoping that it's also a function of the fact that I'm in a huge transition phase right now, and working on just having a stable, calm life for a little while. Also, let's not forget that I now have these big peices of plastic underneath my pectoral muscles. It's the weirdest feeling. Feels like your muscle is always tight and needing to be stretched out. It's not nearly as tight or sore as it was at first anymore, but still can't move around without feeling it pull on the muscles. I still have to be careful not to lift anything too heavy or make any weird sudden movements that could pull or tear my pectoral muscle. My first fill for the implants is on Wednesday, so should be interesting to see how my body responds to that. I've got lots of valium for muscle cramping so hopefully that will help the process.

The progress on the hair is coming along nicely - it now looks like a really short, slightly fuzzy cut, and I think I've finally gotten past the point of looking like I'm sick or there's something wrong with me. I had a moment of progress on my self-esteem the other day. I was at a happy hour and a new freind of a friend complimented me on my haircut. I simply said "Thank you" and let her assume it was just bold and different instead of going on to explain to her about how I don't like it and had to go through chemo to get it. I just let her assume that I'm that boldy/funky chick with the cool super short haircut. Yep! That's me! :)

Love,

Amy

A New Page Turned

Hi Team,

Mom went home today. Watching her walk into the airport with her bags, I flashed back in a moment of panic to the same 5 year old me in kindergarden, screaming inside - Wait mom!! Don't leave me here by myself! Who are these people and how will I know if I'm going to be ok?! When are you coming back to get me?!? Can I go with you?? Please??! ... breathe... breathe...

It was a challenge living in a tiny SF apartment with the both of us, her on my couch the whole time, but I already miss her. It's so quiet here now! It was so nice to have your mom when you're sick, helping me, making me tea and making me smile when I just felt as shitty as I possibly could - and when I was feeling ok, mom and I are good friends, so she was a great co-explorer. It's weird being used to having someone around all the time, and knowing they are gone now. Good to move on to the next transition, but sad all the same. Four months was a long time for her to be away and I'm sure all the Kona crew (especially my dad) will be glad to have her back.

I knew at some point there would be some anxiety to going back to "regular" life - I thought it would be when I went back to work (next Monday already!), but it definitely started today. The thought of "shit, I'm all on my own now" nobody here to help me reach something or look at a weird scar or (insert quazi-emergency medical crisis here) and analyze to help determine the severity with me. I can do it, I have no other choice, but I wonder how many women go through this and actually live alone with no parent or significant other. I guess I just need to be thankful for not being a single parent and going through something like this with kids to take care of on top of it all.

Started going to a therapist today at Kaiser, felt a little strange to me as she seemed to want to just make sure I wasn't in need of any *more* medications, but I assured her I had all the Ativan, Valium, Tylenol PM, etc etc you could want at home. Then she seemed to be unsure about my being ready to go back to work and I reassured her that it would be healthy for me to have something to focus my mental energy on, and hopefully have some successes. Actually, I spent a lot of time reassuring her rather than vice-versa... not sure if she will actually be helping me sort out all the emotional bullshit that comes along with what I've gone through, but someone's got to... so thank you in advance to all my close friends. Thank you all for not charging me what a therapist would for your time. I feel like I have a bit of PTSD, I still have weird violent crime dreams and moments (days?) where I just totally lose control of the crying. At least if I say I have PTSD, that implies that my trauma is over right? Post-trauma? That's progress...

Still am getting used to trying to embrace my new look, which is changing every day - hair is somewhat filled in although still looking like a buzz cut, boobs... well, those are going to have to be a work in progress for quite some time before we're done with reconstruction. They say the whole process takes 6-9 months depending on how much I can take with my fills each time, and how big I want to/can go. Then I can have my exchange surgery, where they go in through the same incisions and switch out my tissue expanders for permenant implants. It will take a while.

I want to put all this behind me, but I have to be kind to myself and remember that you don't just go through a life-threatening diagnosis, chemo, losing your boobs, hair and boyfriend, and just put it behind you. It's all life changing in so many ways. I need to honor that more mentally now that I can stop holding it all in so I can just be in survival mode. Being in survival mode for 5 months is super hard to let out down from - feels like a swirly combination of panic, relief, anger and feeling lost, not knowing what to do next. I'm sure it will progress into something more constructive (at least that's my hope)... but again, a work in progress, such is life.

Love,
Amy

More Introspection and Fun

Hi Team,

I have 2 more weeks before I return to work after about 6 months on disability and I am trying to make the most of it. I of course, still have Dr appointments - follow ups, checkups, etc at least once or twice a week but also trying to fit in as many things as we can think of to uplift my overall mood and get mom out and about in the bay area. She goes home Oct. 12th!

This past week I had follow ups with both my plastic surgeon and my oncologist. The PS I have still not quite got his sense of humor or demeanor pinned down, it's hard to in 30 minute office visits, but for example, mom asked him "So, is Amy cleared to drive now?," to which he answered "Well, could she drive before her surgery?" Ha. (Yes I am allowed to drive now). Dad likened it to the Dr. office joke where you ask, 'So doctor, should I be able to play the piano now?' ('yes that will be fine') 'Great because I never could before.' What a joker. But seriously, it gets a little frustrating because it seems more like a social visit than a session where I can get information. But, just trying to go with the flow - looks like my incisions from my surgery are healing well, there are still steri-strips over the incisions but I'm supposed to just leave them there until they fall off. He said the placement of the tissue expanders looks/feels good and we will start expanding them the next time I come in the office.

My oncologist on the other hand gave me a big hug and reviewed my post-surgery pathology report with me: No cancer found in lymph nodes, no cancer found in breast tissue, only signs of dead cancer cells, nothing left alive. He said, you can never know 100%, but this is about the closest we could have come. (big hug) I'm sure he doesn't get to give that news very often. The next steps for me are to continue my herceptin IV treatments every 3 weeks until next April, and this week I got started on tamoxifen, which I will be taking for the next 5 years. The type of cancer I had grew with the feeding of estrogen and HER2 which is a protein. The herceptin blocks any cells from being fed HER2 proteins and the tamoxifen will block estrogen from certain types of cells so that my type of cancer couldn't grow. Now, you are probably wondering, as I asked my oncologist - ok, I have been given a clean bill of health, and I have no more breast tissue, is it really necessary to do these ongoing treatments? He said, we never know 100% - it is possible that a cancer cell could have gotten through the chest wall and into any part of my body even though we didn't see any signs of it in the surgery. These treatments will just sweep the body and make sure that if there is any single breast cancer cell left in there, it will wipe it out. We all laughed at my analogy - it's like packing up your suitcase at your hotel room and then doing a final sweep to make sure you didn't leave anything valuable under the bed or in a drawer.

I still wake up every day with a feeling of really deep sadness and loss. I really think my all-clear news for my cancer maybe allowed my mind to take a step back and say, ok, we're not fighting a life-threatening disease now, so now all this other mental/emotional shit that was inside me is coming out. The good thing is, I called Kaiser and they set me up with a therapist to help me work through my feelings of loss, lack of self esteem, and anger about how and when my relationship ended. They scheduled me an appointment 2 weeks from when I called but told me if I have any thoughts of suicide creeping in, please call back (hmm, that's what I have to say? Can I have an appt now if I say that?) Lol. Anyway, that will start for me next week.

Mom and I have been talking a lot, introspection on my life and just looking back. I have a little bit of an "of course" attitude about what's happened to me, not self-pity, but I was just looking at my life going, of course I would be in the .005% who get this kind of breast cancer at my age. I am also that person whose best friend died in a freak car accident in college and had my 2 closest grandparents die and an uncle (close, whom I had lived with) die in a freak scuba diving accident all within 6 months. I am the girl who got engaged and then was shocked to find out my (ex) fiance didn't want that after all and had to say "just kidding" to all the save the dates we had sent out. So it makes sense that I would also be that girl that got breast cancer at 28, and dumped by another 3 and a half year relationship right in the thick of my pain and challenges. But my mom made an excellent point, which ended my little pity-party right quick. I am also the girl who made my way from a poor upbringing on a small island to go to a great college, work in Washington DC for a summer, get a job right out of school for a good company in a big city, make it financially on my own in the city - I am the girl who hiked the Inca Trail to Macchu Picchu and planned and did my trip to Vietnam, saw Angkor Wat in Cambodia and the beaches in Thailand. I am the girl who has parents who are still together and love each other, and are still around to help support me. I am the girl with some really dedicated friends who know me to the core and help lift me up when I am not able to. I am the girl who gets the totally clean pathology report after chemo and surgery, where that was not a likely situation either.

My point is- yes life has it's challenges, and I've had my fair share of them for my age, but I've also gotten to have my fair share of blessings (not without a lot of hard work on my part) and I don't regret any of it. I have an interesting story, that's for sure, but I am extremely deeply grateful that this is my story. Grateful that my story has excitement and yes pain, but also a lot of successes, love and joy. And I know and expect that life cycles through in this way. You have times of fun and joy, and there are times of pain and sadness, and either one will come back around eventually, but I have to just appreciate and feel deeply the joy when I am in that side of the cycle and when I am in the harder part, just have faith that if I take it one day at a time, the joy and happiness will come back into my life.

To add some pictures, because what good post doesn't have at least one pic- Mom and I took a little mini-road trip down hwy one just to Half Moon Bay and stopped at some of the beaches along the way. My full album is on facebook, but here are a few pics to share. The first picture was one of my favorites because of the juxtaposition of the dead weeds in the foreground to the beautiful beach and cliffs in the background. Sometimes our lives feel like this, but we just have to look a little further to see the beauty.

Love,

Amy

The week after

Hi Team,

Although I wanted to leave my wonderful news up as my top post for a while, thought it might be time for another update. Over the last week, every day has been better in terms of how I feel physically. I still have to keep gauze covering my inscisions - and I seem to have a lot of them, 5 total. I have to wear a compression bra at all times - a sports bra that clasps in the front to keep my implants from moving around while my body creates scar tissue around them. Most of the time it's just soreness all over my front. My reaching ability/range of motion is very difficult, feels like the muscles in my arms haven't been stretched out for months. So, working on the arm stretches. The worst of it physically has been that every night at least once I wake up with really bad cramps in my pectoral muscles, feeling like charlie horses. I just have to breathe through it and try to stretch my arm out to stop the cramping. I'm hoping this goes away as my body gets used to having plastic things under my muscle, but we'll see. Maybe I'll just have to ask for more valium from my plastic surgeon.

Emotionally it's been a lot harder. For some reason I've been able to keep my shit together pretty well for the last months, despite having gone through menopause (haven't had a period since April but stopped the shots that force that on 8/3... maybe I'll get it back, maybe I won't), despite being exhausted from chemo and stuck in a tiny apartment for almost 6 months, I have kept my shit together. Lately not so well. I think I just stacked two more major things on top of everything, so now, being bald, getting my boobs cut off and being dumped 5 days before my surgery was just all too much for me. I cry every day. I've never been that big of a crier, but for some reason, I just can't hold it in anymore. I look in the mirror and although I know I love myself, I haven't been able to do any of the things I love, I don't recognize myself with my lack of hair and boobs, and being dumped with that kind of timing really took a toll on my self esteem. It took away a major source of comfort and knowing I was loved at a time when I really needed it. Of course I get a lot of comfort from my friends and family, but knowing your man loves you is a different kind of comfort, and having that taken away at a time when so many changes are happening to me physically and emotionally is very hard. I know that beauty comes from within but I just feel a really really constant deep sadness and loss. For my body, for my relationship, and just for the future life I thought I was going to live. I know I will come around and already am at times excited about the possibilities ahead of me, but right now a lot of the time, I am mostly sad for my all my losses.

All that said, a lot of you have been asking for updates on how my hair is looking - it is growing back a little now, and as Sandra (Anthony's daughter) said last time I showed her my blog "it's all words!" (with distain). So, making sure to have some fun pics this time:



















And at least our late summer has finally arrived in San Francisco, so spent the day at the park with mom and friend Marielle on Saturday, us at Chrissy Field (and me still bandaged but with the wonders of a padded push up bra creating some illusions):

And last but not least, some comic relief because I sure could use some in my life right now - we went to the bathroom near the park at Grace Cathedral on the top of Nob Hill yesterday and these signs were on the exit doors - does anyone know which door we should use?? :)

















Love,
Amy

Pathology Results from Surgery: Great News

Hi All,

So we knew the tumor had shrunk from my chemo, just from feeling it get smaller along the way. We knew the initial look at the lymph node during surgery was cancer free (but that was just an initial look, not final results). AND we knew that during surgery, they would be removing all the cancerous tissue so that after surgery I would be cancer free. We hoped that there would also be good margins around the area that had cancerous tissue so that the doctors felt comfortable about saying we didn't need to do any more treatment (ie. if it was too close to the chest wall, I might still have had to do radiation).

Let me share the email I got from my surgeon this morning:

"Hello, Wonderful news! You had a complete pathologic response to chemotherapy. No invasive cancer left. The lymph node is also free of disease. We should have a finalized pathology report by the end of this week. I will email it to you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!"

Translation: My chemotherapy did such a good job that they found NO cancer in the tissue they removed from my breasts. Not only did they get good margins on what they removed, they found zero cancer since my body reacted so well to the chemo. This almost never happens (as my oncologist told me a while back). Also, lymph nodes definitely clear.

This is wonderful news and now we can really celebrate. Not only did I get rid of it, but we KICKED its ass. Majorly.

Yay!
Amy

The Whole Story

Hi Team,

So, been quite the eventful past week. Had my surgery last Wednesday and as Monika gave in the quick update, everything went really well. However, not without a little drama, so let me tell you the story!

I was supposed to be there at 9:30am for my 11:45am surgery... at 12 noon I was still waiting in the pre-op cattle call area, but at least they had given me a warm-air blowing gown and shoved a small TV in front of my face. ("here look at this while we make you wait"). Finally they took me into the surgery area, gave me a little versed, the drug they give you for conscious sedation. I felt it surge right through my body and make me totally relaxed, whether I was ready for it or not. It was great, they could definitely have a market for that on the street. Then on to the operating room and after not long, I was out like a light. They didn't make me count down or anything, they just started going around the operating room introducing themselves, and had me breathe some oxygen and I don't remember them actually getting all the way around the room with the introductions.

Next thing I knew, it was 7pm on the clock and I was in the recovery room. They almost immediately put me on a morphine drip since I had a lot of pain right away. I had my whole chest wrapped super-tight with gauze and an ace bandage. I had a bulb of local anesthetic (lidocane I think) with tubes going under my ace bandage that constantly bathed my cuts in a local anesthetic. I also had a cut on my side from my lymph node biopsy, which was not getting any local anesthetic, so was causing quite a lot of pain. Also, I had two drainage tubes going under my skin into the empty areas that used to be my breasts draining out the fluid that your body creates when tissue is removed. Quite a tangle of different tubes and drains and areas that were hurting and the wrap around my chest making me feel at times like I was being suffocated.

Mom and my friend Corey kept me company, feeding me ice chips and making sure they yelled at the nurses for anything I needed. At about 10pm, the nurses notified me that the hospital was at capacity and it looked like I would not be getting a room that night. Now, the recovery room that I was currenly in was constant chaos. People were coming in and out, yelling at each other, lots of nurses since I believe it has to be at least 2 to 1 (nurses to patients), lots of general noise and light. I cried when I found out I would not be getting any peace and quiet - I was tired, frustrated, in pain, and just told that I wouldn't be getting any more comfortable until at least the next day. To boot, it seemed that they were having a staffing problem because the nurses seemed to be extremely pissed off that they had been asked to stay overnight as well.

The next morning, after a pretty constant pushing the button for morphine all night, I got to have a long talk with the manager of that area of the hospital, of course him kissing my butt as much as he possibly could so he didn't have a lawsuit on his hands. I think he was surprised that although I was firm and angry and told him my situation was simply not acceptable, I really did spend a while trying to get to the root of the problem with him and asking him how I could use my voice to enable him to create a solution so this doesn't happen again. I will follow up on that after I'm feeling a little better, but he seemed to be relieved that I didn't threaten to sue. Not long after that, I got up in a room and slept off my pain and drugs pretty much the rest of the day and night.

Dr. Langer came in to visit me on Thurs. morning and told me that the surgery went really well, she did not have to make very big incisions to remove all my breast tissue, so she thinks eventually, the reconstruction results will look really good. She said they didn't see any signs of cancer in their initial dissection of my sintenal lymph node during surgery, but of course the final results of that will come in my pathology report (still waiting on that but should be a few more days). The final pathology report will also give us the important peice of information of how much tissue they found still with cancer in it - it's possible that the chemo got rid of all the cancerous tissue, or that there still was cancer, but the important thing is that they have healthy margins around all the tissue they find that was cancerous. I will be sure to give an update on that information once we get it. They did place tissue expanders under my pectoral muscles, but weren't able to expand them much since my muscles and skin were so tight already. It will take time and many sessions of expansion to get my implants back up to where we want them to be. As I told my friend Danielle, it's like those "pump it up" shoes back in the 80's. So overall, surgery went really well even though the hospital situation was a nightmare.

Today I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Langer and she just had the biggest grin on her face the whole time. She said I am already healing so quickly and well she is just thrilled. The drainage tubes out of my sides came out already today, when originally they had told me 2-3 weeks. This means I can start trying to stretch my arms and get back some of my range of motion - but not too much! Don't want to re-open any scabs that are trying to heal up. I am still not supposed to lift anything over 5lbs or drive for a while. I got to have my first look under my ace bandage today too. It was the weirdest thing. My chest almost looks concave, with two long scars where I used to have nipples. It's very shocking. But, I will have breasts again, it will just take a lot of time and patience.

I can't help but feel mutilated and scared - scared of what people see when they look at me, and just scared of not being self-confident, even though I've pretty much always been pretty self-confident. For example, one of my anesthesiologists in the hospital was tall, handsome, dark hair, blue eyes, no ring... and I talked a little to him, but as he was walking away, I actually thought... I need to wait a while on this flirting thing, who wants to flirt with a bald cancer patient who just got her boobs cut off. He probably just feels sorry for me. I know it's self depricating, but I am just going to have to start working on this with myself and my friends, being dumped 5 days before my surgery certainly didn't help. But I do have faith that I just have to be patient with myself and it will come back, let's call this my 2nd puberty. And this time I am going to get a therapist to help me.

Next appointment is next Tuesday, I have my first follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon and I think we will talk more about next steps then too.

Thanks to everyone for all your love, thoughts, prayers and positive energy for a successful surgery - it worked! Now more of the same for a quick and successful healing of my wounds (both physical and self-image wise).

Love,
Amy

Surgery Update

Happy to report that Amy is out of surgery, awake but very very tired, on a morphine drip, and hopefully going home tomorrow. Lymph node pathology is clear - miss Amy is cancer free!!!!

Surgery Tomorrow

Hi All,

Had a rough weekend and last couple of days trying to mentally preparing for surgery. Got back from my latest adventure to Portland last Thursday, and last Friday, Anthony and I broke up. Not going to go into a whole lot of detail on this other than to say it has caused me a whole lot of sadness and just overall disappointment and a feeling of great loss. I am trying my best to focus all my mental energy on being positive and healing for my body, but it's a great challenge right now.

Tomorrow I'm having a bilateral (both sides) mastectomy with tissue expanders. This means they will go in and take out both of my breasts, and put temporary implants behind my pectoral muscles, which will be pumped up over time as implants. Eventually, 6-9mos from now, I will have another surgery to have the final permanent implants put in. My surgery starts at 11:45am tomorrow morning and I'm supposed to go the hospital at 9:30am. They always make you take all your clothes off and put on this thin gown, then wait for a really long time in a freezing cold room. I'm bringing a jacket. The surgery should be about 4 hours long, and I will be in the hospital for one night. They will also be doing a lymph node biopsy to make sure that the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes, but the expectation is that it has not. We'll know for sure tomorrow, and the final pathology report comes back a week from tomorrow, telling us how much cancer they found and if they got good, clean margins around the tissue they remove.

I'm nervous. I've never been under general anesthesia and I'm a little afraid of where my mind will take me since I haven't been the most stable person mentally lately. But, I'm hoping regardless of where it goes, I will not remember it... that's the hope anyway.

Thank you for all your love and prayers tomorrow.

Best,
Amy

Post-chemo Adventures

Hi Friends,

Once the mental chemo fog wore off and the physical exhaustion lessened, I was able to go on a few adventures in between my last chemo treatment and TOMORROW, my double mastectomy surgery. First, I had my Ta-ta to the Tata's party on Aug. 21st. It was so nice to see so many of you, play pin the boobies on the babe and eat boobie cupcakes. Sharing a few pics -

On Wed. Aug 25th, headed down to Orange County to visit Anthony and family, and went down to Rosarito Mexico for the weekend. I almost didn't make it to Mexico because I got sick with a fever, spent a night in the Irvine Kaiser Hospital. I was super pissed to be in a hospital again, and right after I thought I was done with the tiredness, sickness and pain - I was ready to have fun! But thanks to an atom bomb of IV antibiotics and a sympathetic doctor, I was released in one day and given the OK to head down to Mexico! We had some of the best food and great times with friends and family. We also went to an Argentinean Tango melonga (sp?) and I got to dance with one of the teachers! It was so much fun!!

Then, back in San Francisco on Aug 30th, Mom, Dad and I drove up to Napa on Sept. 1st to bask in the sun and drink delicious wine. Our friend Karen lent us her guest house and we sat by the pool, entertaining her 2 dogs and eating some of the fresh veggies from the garden.

Came back to SF on 3rd, and decided that since I still had a bit of time and could fly for free with Anthony, to go spend Sept. 5-9th in Portland, OR just to explore and have fun. In Portland, Anthony and I rented a car to go out and tour the Columbia River Gorge, drove out from Portland to highway 84 to see the beautiful Gorge, see waterfalls and do a few hikes. We also tried out a few of the local brews - Portland is the micro-brewery captial of the US. My favorite was the blueberry ale that I had, smelled and tasted like a blueberry muffin. The weather was cool and rainy, but our hotel had a hot tub and indoor pool. One of my favorite things was the culture of street food in Portland, whole blocks of street food vendors, lots of different kinds. I tried a Korean Bulgogi Taco. We also tried the famous (from Man vs. Food) voodoo donuts, which I was excited to see had many vegan donut options. Anthony's favorite was the maple bacon bar. That's right, bacon. Portland was a great town.

I had a really great time with all my adventures and feel really lucky to have had the time and people to adventure with. That said, my adventure time is up and tomorrow is the surgery. More on that next post ~~

Best,

Amy